With Britney bald and in rehab and our beloved Anna Nicole lost forever, I think it's important that we find a new tabloid queen immediately. Yes, there are a few others, but they make me so nauseated that I refuse to even put their names on my blog. I'm a very sensitive woman, and it just breaks my heart that there are paparazzi out there with nobody to stalk. There are good American people out there with nothing to gossip about. Let's face it, the Britney stuff is just getting pathetic, and soon enough people will be saying "Anna Who?" And then where will we be? Talking about...war? Too depressing. Politics? Yawn. Global Warming? Heard it all before. We need someone new to gossip about right away! And being the good American that I am, I am willing to step up to the plate and sacrifice myself for the good of the many.As your new Tabloid Darling, I promise to:
- Be famous for doing a whole lot of nothing. Cause like, I'm good at that.
- Make every effort to keep my underwear on in public. But not at home of course. Hello zoom lens!
- Lounge around my pool all day. I do this for the paparazzi, not for myself. I'm selfless like that. And of course there will always be an insanely hot man in the next lounge chair.
- Be outrageously promiscuous. Just don't be expecting any K-Feds or Birkheads on my resumé, I have higher standards than my predecessors when it comes to men.
- Say what I think without putting a whole lot of thought into the consequences. I know what you are all thinking. Shut up.
- Continue to allow my weight to fluctuate wildly on a daily basis. Yes, it's possible that the Oscar dress that the famous designer loaned me only days ago will be popping at the seams come the big night.
- Create controversy and set trends wherever I go. Looks like another trip to the Hanky Panky for me. I really hope that hooker has retired by now.
- Jetset around the world just for the hell of it. Oh the sacrifices I make!
- Have sex with lots of hot men. Did I say that already? Cause that's an important one.
Suggestions welcome. Thank you for your support.
33 comments:
It's good to have ambition...
You are certainly emotionally well-suited to be a vapid tramp.
Love ya.
Crap, I just sold my telephoto. Can you just leave the back gate open until I can buy a new one?
Peace, sister.
I'm not convinced you should be the next tabloid slut, um, darling but that Hanky Panky story would make for a great kids book!
I'd like to be your friend that starts off as the sidekick, but then we'll have a fight that will increase my popularity and I can be in the tabloids on my own accord. If this sounds good, let's work on a reality TV show. I need a hobby.
Dan - when I'm famous you can tell people we had sex.
Todd - when I'm famous I will deny ever knowing you.
FH - no problem. I'll make sandwiches, we'll make a day of it.
Rich - I really don't care about being a tabloid slut other than wanting to sleep with hot celebrities.
Mist - that works for me. Just don't try to sleep with any of my men. I'll give you a list of the ones you can't have. Actually I'll just give you a list of the ones you can have, it'll be easier.
I love it! I also think it's important for you to 'struggle' with your fame and tell Diane Sawyer that you're not sure you would have done it all the same way again. Extra points if you develop an interest in a religion even Madonna hasn't heard of.
Do you need a less-attractive friend at your side to drag around with you? My calendar's open.
i'm nothing without you.
So how are you going to fund your new venture? Jets cost big bucks.
May I add that it would probably not hurt your celeb status to smash your car into an inanimate object, like a mailbox or orange grove.
Bonus points if you are drunk and piss on the seat in the cop car.
Brandy - excellent! I will immediately join the Church of the Poisoned Mind.
Ubie - all my friends are hot - hence, you will be my friend.
Tad - I know babe. Please don't sell our story to the tabloids.
Flounder - I will be paid millions to show up at clubs around the world and wave vapidly at my adoring fans. I'm nothing if not independent.
You've got MY vote.
You had me at "Promiscuous"
This is totally off-topic, but I was reading the comments on Skinny Legs and All and I have to agree with you on Little Miss Sunshine. I thought it was okay, but I can't figure out why people went so nuts over it. Glad to see someone else out there felt that way.
You definitely deserve the opportunity Brooke. You will shave your head and all that right?
Will you cut an album too?
Get your sob story ready for when you have to check into rehab. Were you treating an old back injury and became inadvertently addicted to painkillers? Were you drinking too much to forget the pain of past abuse? Did you start self-medicating because of feelings of low self-esteem brought on by your sudden leap to fame? Remember, America will be waiting to forgive you!
i vote for you.
You have my endorsement for next tabloid darling.
this message has been approved by jiggscasey.com
Can I be your wicked cool friend who shows up and drinks your wine and smokes your smoke and leaves in the morning without cleaning up?
Sleepy - you're so easy. Just like me!
Brian - I'm glad to know that too. If that movie had won last night I'd have thrown my television out the window. Ok, not really, but symbolically.
Egan - If I were to shave my lovely locks, it would have to be in a very public place, because why bother doing anything unless everyone can see it. Right? And no, I won't be singing. As narcissistic as I plan to be, even I have my limits.
Charlie - yeah that's what you said to Squeaky, and look what happened to her.
Nance - I'm going to go with the time honored "being treated for exhaustion." Then I'll get myself knocked up to throw the media off the rehab trail.
Kendra - yay for me!
Jiggs - and please remember to write about me often. Use words like "hot" and "kind of slutty."
Mel - of course! Just keep your hands off my men and my clothes.
Will you become a Scientologist before or after rehab?
I'll remember that when I start my 'pimp a celeb for a day foundation'.
PS. Little Miss Sunshine is great... maybe not best picture great but certainly deserving of best original script.
"Be famous for doing a whole lot of nothing. Cause like, I'm good at that."
--That was so funny and so so true. Make sure you talk like a total moron when interviewed. That is important also.
I just want a picture of you in your hole-y sweatpants.
Brookelina:
Your intelligent readers beat me to all the good comments, except the obvious: what movie genre will you choose to star in once the novelty of doing nothing wears off? Action/adventure? Horror? Drama?
Can I be the first to post revealing pictures of you on my blog?
Bill - right after my lobotomy.
Rich - it's not a good idea to disagree with the slutty new tabloid darling.
NayNay - I figure if I watch nothing but Wheel of Fortune and American Idol for the next few weeks my brain should be sufficiently stupefied for my first interviews.
Hyper - all that and more. Just you wait.
Leezer - I'm hoping to start my own genre. It's called Action/Soft Core. I'll kick some ass and then have lots of sex. Someone contact Gerard Butler's people and let him know he'll be starring in my first film. And make sure he signs the nudity clause.
Phoenix - you just want pictures? Did I mention how slutty I'm going to be?
I will happily serve as your "Mannie", then sell you out for $500 to the Globe.
I'm no cheap whore. I'm a very expensive personal assistant.
I just found your blog (by searchng for the word "babbling", actually, as a way to find entertaining blogs- it worked yet again!).
My suggestion? You need a completely random pet who accompanies you everywhere. Small dogs and primates have been overdone.
I say possum, platypus or komodo dragon.
I can't wait to see you on VH1's Celebrity Eye Candy!
I will follow you to the ends of the.... pool
I'm all for your plan as long as I'm the cute guy that all viewers think you should end up with while you end up with the superhot hunky guy. I'm so giving ....
Sysm - just make sure you tell them that I am much thinner in person.
Princess - I love this idea! I think I'll get a wallaby. They are like mini-kangaroos. It will be all the rage. Stop by anytime!
Pants - cause nobody deserves to be eye candy more than I!
MQ - you better, you're writing my first script.
Cincy - excellent. I can use you for sex when my movie star boyfriends are on location.
Be caught making out with me at some hot nightclub.
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