The End is Near Here

30 posts in 30 days. I said I would do it, and I did. I looked at this as a challenge, a test if you will. Having started my new job only two weeks before this NaBloPoMo thing, and while working on my Master's, I managed to post every single day this month. And do you know what I learned from all this?

1. I can do anything I set my mind to.
2. I do not like posting every single day.*
   
3. I will never do it again.**
4. I am a dumbass.

I'm tired and would like to take a nap now.

*It really wasn't that bad.
**I'll probably do it again.

Cable Lineup - November

The most recent set of words and phrases that landed unwitting freaks to my blog/cable network.

Reality TV - new!

• what would 20% of adults "do for $100,000"
• if i'm that great how come I'm still single
• there's a village in texas that is missing its idiot
• busier than a crack dealer on payday
• cures for a snotty cold

Playboy

• mummification-sex password
• "best fuck on the planet"
• dreaming about having sex on the beach
• how to make flashing look accidental
• see you in a bra
• when men like big asses
• 27" bad girls pinball legs
• down on the shore of the hanky panky
• naked boobage
  

Lifetime

• "You can only find happiness when you stop looking for it."
• ive been a bad girl and still am
• too picky for a boyfriend
• his skirt dance role reversal
• fat cheeks when smile
• how to darken nipples
• scarlett big butt

Food Network

• coffee and cigarettes diet
• what do we call the fruits of the wild rose
• kiss the cook apron
• rosehip.gin
• dill clown tkam
  
• what do rose hips taste like?
  

Gerard Butler TV

• gerard butler - page 51 of the search, this person really delved deep
• gerard butler butt
• gerard butler butt image
• gerard butler's penis
• gerard butler's ass
• "gerard butler penis size" - it should be noted that because this was in quotation marks, my blog was the only one to come up in the search. I'm so very proud.
• girls linked to gerard butler
• brooke sucks
• brooke needs
  
• viggo's girlfriend in 2007

Religious TV - new!

• what does museltov mean?
• KIN AHORA
• ghetto fabulous christian according to the bible

Overheard in my Classroom

Ewwwww!

What's the matter?

She put that money in hew mouth! You nevew put money in youw mouth!

He's right, honey. You shouldn't put money in your mouth. That's good advice.

Why not?

Money is diwty!

Yes, money is dirty.

What's advice?

Advice is like a suggestion, something that can help you.

I know thome advithe! Newer go outside without your thockth.

OK, yes. That is good advice. Does anyone else have any advice?

I have purple socks on!

My socks have holes.

Thanks for sharing. No, you don't need to take off your shoes to show us. We believe you.

My grandfather has a HUGE refrigerator!

OK then. Anyone else have any advice for the class before we move on?

Yah! I have advice. Nevah mawwy youw cousin.

Right, let's clean up and get weady...I mean ready...for lunch.

A Victim of No Child Left Behind

39 Questions

1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?
I cut my hand open while butterflying a chicken breast. My stupidity earned me eight stitches and huge bragging rights in the male-dominated kitchen I was working in at the time.

2. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
My own home. And a man. And a puppy.
Pretty much in that order.

3. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
9:23 pm on a Tuesday evening.

4. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
It's a tie between my Easy Bake Oven and my Barbie Camper Van.

5. THE BEST TV SHOW EVER CREATED:
Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

6. THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO?
My mother. I took her dinner order. If I don't get a life soon I'll be answering this question with the words My therapist for the rest of my life.

7. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
I do. I'm a big sissy. Hold me.

8. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
Someone completely unworthy.

9. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE?
All of them. It's where I store all my wisdom. There is no way they are coming out.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOGNE / PERFUME?
Whatever Gerard Butler wears is fine with me.

11. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
I like dark hair and light eyes, but that is not set in stone.

12. WOULD YOU RATHER BE SMART OR FUNNY?
This implies that I am neither. I take offense to this question.

13. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINKS?
Since when isn't coffee an energy drink?

14. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
The hazelnut gelato at Perché No in Florence, Italy.
You said anything.

15. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD?
The list of possibilities is endless.

16. DO YOU SPEAK ANOTHER LANGUAGE?
I speak fluent six year old.

17. DO YOU LIKE SOMEONE?
I do I do! I'll pass you a note in study hall and tell you all about him!

18. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
You mean fall in love with someone completely unavailable? Who couldn't return my love? Who would only break my heart and abandon me, leaving me behind in a broken heap? Who would do that to themselves?

19. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU?
I like to call him names, kick him in the shin, and then run away screeching at the top of my lungs. After which my girlfriends and I giggle wildly and crank call his house.

20. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST?
The asshole who parks in the illegal spot in front of Wawa everyday making it impossible to turn the corner without driving into oncoming traffic. I hope he gets a hemorrhoid from sitting there.

21. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE U.S.?
Many many times. I think it should be a requirement of all American citizens to get the fuck out of this country so that they can see that there is a great big world out there, and that it doesn't revolve around the U.S.

22. YOUR WEAKNESSES?
Dimples and six pack abs.

23. IF YOU COULD GET PLASTIC SURGERY WHAT WOULD IT BE?
I'd like to be made into Angelina Jolie.

24. WHY DID YOU FILL OUT THIS SURVEY?
I did it for Princess. It's always a good idea to suck up to royalty.

25. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT?
I'm single and 42. You do the math.

26. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
My megawatt smile and razor sharp wit.

27. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ALCOHOL BECAME ILLEGAL?
I don't understand the question.

28. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT?
No more than 18 is best.
Oh wait, that's not what you meant...

29. WHERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
My mother wanted to name me after my Aunt Fannie. Thank you dad.

30. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY?
As I stated before, I'm a big sissy. I cry on a fairly regular basis. Sappy commercials. Random acts of kindness. Puppies. Rereading Charlotte's Web. Gerard Butler's abs in 300. Pretty much anything can set me off.

31. ANY BAD HABITS?
Absolutely not. I'm a complete delight.

32. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Absolutely. I'm a complete delight.

33. DO YOU KNOW ANYONE FAMOUS?
I know lots of famous people.
Oh, you meant do they know me back...

34. DO LOOKS MATTER?
To me? Seriously, is this your first time here?

35. HOW DO YOU RELEASE YOUR ANGER?
I take it out on Todd.

36. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY?
No, I am very wary of whom I trust. This is because I am a rotten judge of character.

37. FAVORITE THOUGHT PROVOKING SONG:
Milkshake. I mean, she's really not talking about her milkshake, now is she.

38. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
The last day of school.

39. FAVORITE EXPRESSION?
Shut up!

Mmmm Mmmm Gross

nataliedee.com

I decided early on that I was going to try something different with my Thanksgiving dinner this year - I was going to experiment with some new recipes. Now as some of you know, in my former career I was a professional chef. I have always been one who made every single aspect of my Thanksgiving meal from scratch using only the best and freshest ingredients. But this year I decided that I was going to attempt some tried and true recipes that the everyday people of my country seem to swear by with a vengeance. So I spent the better part of the week before Turkey day trolling the internet for classic recipes for Candied Yams, Corn Puddin', and Green Bean Casserole.

I decided to steer clear of the "chef" sites such as FoodTV and Martha, and instead wanted to find the delights that the typical housewife in America was sharing with her compatriots. The recipes required ingredients that as a former professional chef I thought I would never use in my lifetime, but that made it even more exciting for me. For example, I actually purchased canned yams this year. Up until now I had never even seen a canned yam. The texture was one I had never encountered before in any of the food groups. However, after suitably mashing them to a pulp, drowning them in maple syrup and brown sugar, and then covering them with the required mini-marshmallows - I had the all-American candied yams I have heard so much about. They were indeed a tasty treat. Thank you Linda from Albuquerque.

The corn pudding casserole from Dawn in West Virginia was also a hit. I appreciate her boldness in not holding back on either the butter or the sour cream. There is still quite a bit left in my refrigerator and by Monday the consistency should be just perfect for spackling my bathroom. I did use my own recipes for sausage and mushroom stuffing, garlic mashed potatoes, and cranberry sauce only because they are so ingrained in my head that looking up other recipes for them would have been a waste of time. Also certain family members would have beaten me to death with frozen drumsticks if I messed with those recipes. But - I did buy two cans of "cranberry jelly" for my nephew - who ate both of them before the meal was even served. I searched wildly for new ways to roast Mr. Turkey, but most of them were just variations of the same theme, and basically all would have resulted in a bird that would be so overcooked that the breast meat could be served next year as turkey-jerky. I chose to stick to my own method for the bird.

I have to admit my excitement when it came time to make the world famous green bean casserole that I have been hearing about throughout my lifetime. Yes, you read that correctly. I have never made, eaten, seen, or smelled the casserole that consists of canned green beans, cream of mushroom soup, and French fried onions. I have always made fresh green beans almondine, or broccoli with lemon butter, or grilled asparagus with a citrus marinade, or a lovely display of fresh cut vegetables to nibble on during the big feast. I admit I was ecstatic to simply dump three ingredients into a casserole and be done with it. I felt so American, so womanly, so a part of things. I now was a true member of the American culture that is Thanksgiving.

And may I say OH. MY. GOD. I haven't been this disappointed in the tastes of the American public since the axis of evil took over the White House. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you people. It was the most disgusting mass of grossness in the history of ickiness. It was a pimple on the ass of my perfect meal. It was a horror show in the midst of dulcet loveliness. It was shock and awe of Bush proportions.

Never again will those ingredients be welcome in my home. Never! Thanks for nothing Tammy in San Antonio! Good day to you, Tammy! I said good day!

Beauty is Pain

I'm getting a mani-pedi today. My nails look positively monstrous!

They like me! They really like me!

Happy Turkey Day Everyone!

Holidays getting you down?

Family driving you crazy this Thanksgiving? Is the pressure getting to you? Take it out on someone who really deserves it. Beat the hell out of your Bush Bopper!