Ask Brookelina

It's official. I am obsessed with the keyword searches that lead to my blog. I find them fascinating - a real insight into the fucked up human condition. It's like communing with the inner freak inside each and every person on the internets - only from a relatively safe distance. I mean really, why are so many people around the world - literally - so rabidly curious about Spartans and their sexually deviant behavior, their homoerotic tendencies, and most of all - their underpants? While at least a dozen others a day are anxious to find out about accidental flashing, bad bad girls, and who Viggo's girlfriend is. Still others just want to know what "Brooke needs" - and I would just like to say thank you to all of them for being so concerned for my needs.

However, lately I'm getting questions. Full-on real questions asking for advice. It started with that poor little 11 year old from this post, but now it's becoming a daily thing. Just how many people out there are turning to Google for advice? Don't these people have friends? Reference books? Therapists? Clearly the answer is no. And so I feel it is my duty* to answer the questions that have led them here to The Babbling Brooke. I should add that I have copied and pasted them exactly - so if there are misspellings or poor grammar - don't blame me. Blame the underfunded education system that brought them to this point.

1. why are the pancakes in the closet
Is this a metaphor for closeted homoerotic behavior? Is the word pancakes a euphemism for something more perverse or even - sinister? Is this an eating disorder issue? Or does this person truly have pancakes in the closet? So many possibilities. It's truly dizzying. I'm going to go with my initial response and say, "Get a maid, you fucking slob."

2. why can't I look like gerard butler
Because all men are not - in fact - created equal.

3. how do you get abs like leonidas
Well the first thing you'll want to do is get off the computer. Next, start doing sit-ups. You can stop some time in October.

4. what does it mean what a girl only calls you by your last mane
I'm concerned about this whole mane thing. Do you have a mane? Is it like a horsey? Or do you just have a long mane of hair, cause most girls like tha....Oh hang on. Name. You meant name. Ok then.
She wants to to date your sister, dude.

5. WHAT IS LIKE CALZONE
Monkey and I both turned up on the first page for this search. I find this odd. Seriously, shouldn't there be more food-related things coming up on this search? But I digress. What is like Calzone? If you are asking about the food, then imagine a rolled-up pizza. If you are asking about the drug-selling, shoe-sniffing, dickless, poor excuse for a dragon - then imagine a drug-selling, shoe-sniffing, dickless, poor excuse for a dragon.

6. IS IT DANGEROUS TO OUT SMART A SOCIOPATH
I'm going to have to go with yes on this one. But you could always ask Calzone.

7. where i come from we swim naked and i dont want to embarass nobody
Relax, you won't embarrass anyone. It happens to all men. When the water is cold, the shrinkage is inevitable. No need to worry.

8. does gerard butler have an enormous penis
I can't answer this question for sure. But in the interest of research, I'll do my best to find out for you.
Hey Gerard! Call me. It's important.

9. how to give self wedgies
You might want to ask Calzone about this one too. He does this when he's high on glue.

10.why am i jealous of my boyfriend's celebrity crush
Because he's going to cheat on you.

*The answers to these questions are strictly for entertainment purposes only. The author is not a therapist nor does she claim to be one. If you find that these answers are not helping you with your issues, then seek professional help. If you simply don't like the answers provided, then go fuck yourself.

Thank you.