Bring On Da Funny

Sharkbait got in a fight the other day. Ironically, he got into a fight with last year's Sharkbait - who I used to refer to as The Whiner. Yes, it seems that I am doomed to have one student in my class every year who is so obnoxious, so annoying, so all-around icky, that having him in my class makes me question my decision to become an educator. I never wrote about The Whiner because it was too exhausting to think about him outside of work, and also there was really no good material on him. He just was, and still is, a major pain in the ass. Only now he's taller, so there's more of him to dislike. It scares me that I will have a kid like this every year, but I have a very bad feeling it's my destiny. It must be a Murphy's Law thing, or maybe the universe is pissed at me for not perpetuating the species.

There is, however, one big difference between Sharkbait and The Whiner. When Sharkbait is not being loud, rude, and horrible, he is an extremely funny little kid. He is still the bane of my existence and a professional pain in the ass, but his ability to make me laugh has proven to be a lifesaver - and by that I mean it is the only reason he is still alive. And of course, it's wrong to hurt children. Also, I'm deathly afraid of prison.

I have another boy in my class who is the polar opposite of Sharkbait. I'll refer to him as Lil Obama. He is smart, sweet, helpful, and extremely well-spoken for a six year old. Well he will be when his front teeth come back in. Lil Obama also has something else going for him, he too is an extremely funny little kid.

I laugh a lot in my class. Kids are funny in general, and I always make sure to laugh with them, and not at them. OK, sometimes I do laugh at them. Like whenever Sharkbait wears his plaid shorts and polo shirt to school and I ask him if he's got an after school tee-off time. My kids have come to appreciate the humor in our class, and they turn themselves inside out to be the source of my chuckles. And this leads me to yesterday in class.

Sharkbait had made himself a crown in the Art Center. He came up to proudly show me his masterpiece - a piece of paper glued end to end with his name scrawled across it. It perched precariously atop his head. He could barely take a step without it falling down. He gave me a smirk, waiting for me to abuse him. He knew it was awful, and he was dying to get me going.

Me: Nice hat.

Sharkbait: It's my birthday crown.

Me: Nice crown.

Sharkbait: Isn't it great? (at this point the crown falls off and blows across the room. He runs to catch it, runs back to me, and places it back on his head, waiting for me to tell him how bad it is)

Me: It would be better if it fit around your head instead of on top of it, you know, so you could actually wear it.

Sharkbait: The paper was too small.

Me: I'm not surprised. No way you could get that thing around your great big head.

At this point, we have an audience. You can't have a 10 second conversation in a room full of six year olds without all of them wanting in on it. Sharkbait, aware of his audience, screws up his face into a big pout, and replies dramatically:

How could you be so cruel to me!!!

And then promptly pretends to burst into tears. Five seconds later we were both laughing hysterically. All the other kids started laughing too, though they didn't really get the joke like we did. Only one child didn't laugh - Lil Obama. He was mad with envy. MAD! He wasn't used to seeing me laugh like that at anybody but him. I could see he was preparing to one-up Sharkbait. He gave me a look and then mumbled something.

Me: What was that?

Lil Obama: (mumbling still) must be funnier....must be funnier....Sharkbait's stealin' my funny.

Stealing my funny. At this point, I'm losing it. All I can think about is how can I get a video camera in here right this minute.

Me: Stealing your funny???

Lil Obama: Sharkbait's stealin' my funny!

Sharkbait: (from across the room) You got a problem, Lil Obama?

Lil Obama: Yeah! You're stealin' my funny!

Lil Obama walks over to Sharkbait. They stand toe to toe, staring each other down. You can cut the tension with a pair of child-safe scissors. Lil Obama baring his toothless snarl, Sharkbait wearing his retarded crown, the students waiting in breathless anticipation, and me on the verge of wetting myself.

Sharkbait: I'm stealing your funny? Well bring it on then! Bring on da funny!

Lil Obama: Yeah? I'll bring it!

For the next five minutes the two of them proceeded to twist, contort, snarl, wiggle, jump, shake, scratch, cross eyes, pick noses, roll around with their legs waving in the air, give self-imposed wedgies - anything to break the other down with time-tested Three Stooges humor. It was a Funny-Off. I was absolutely weeping by the end of it. I couldn't have stopped them if I wanted to. And why would I want to stop a classic moment like that? They don't come around very often.

Especially with Sharkbait.

Bring on da funny!