Six years ago I moved to Florida to start a new life. I thought I would come here and start a new career, meet someone special, and live happily ever after. It hasn't worked out that way.
Six months after I moved here my mother needed heart surgery. She was here in Florida when she started having pains and was rushed to the hospital. The doctors not only said she needed emergency surgery, but that she had to be brought to yet another hospital to get this surgery. I remember driving down 95 following the ambulance that was she was being transported in. I remember standing in the hallway outside ICU and just crumpling to the floor after they wheeled her by. I remember thinking that she was going to die. That same day my brother called from Jersey. My father - who had been put into a home for the elderly several months before (my parents divorced when I was 12) - had "fallen" out of his bed and broken his hip. He was in the ICU in Atlantic City, and things did not look good. My mother made it through surgery and was fine. My father passed away while my mother was recovering in the ICU. It fell to me to write his obituary, to arrange his funeral, and to work out where everyone was going to stay when we flew up for the service. It was not a good time in my life.
The next year, my stepfather - who financially and emotionally supported me in my effort to go back to college and get my education degree - was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. He was given six months to live. With healthy living and lots of love, he lived over a year. My mother relied heavily on me for emotional support throughout his ordeal, and I was always there for the both of them. He passed away before I finished college. He didn't get to see me graduate.
Because I'm the only daughter, and I'm still single, much of the responsibility falls on me when it comes to my mother. When I am in Jersey, or she is here in Florida - I pretty much do everything. I do the shopping, run the errands, take care of the bills. We are very close, and it makes me happy to be there for her. She is in her mid-70's, and it's harder for her to do the everyday things she used to do. I dealt with selling her place in Florida, putting her place together again in Jersey, dealing with her knee replacement surgery last year. And now it seems she needs to have back surgery next month.
I honestly don't know how much more I can take. I am completely wiped out. I just want to crawl into bed for days and hide. For the last six years it's been all about my mother, my stepfather, my father. My brothers' lives have gone on without a hitch, they have had children and gotten new jobs and bought new homes. But my life just seems to sit stagnant while I deal with one family crisis after another. I have barely been able to begin a relationship since I moved here because my time is never about me. The few relationships I have had have fallen by the wayside due to lack of time and energy. People ask me why I'm not involved with someone. Well now you know. Because I'm too fucking exhausted to sustain a relationship - plus the fact that I'm totally fucked up.
Getting the news this week about her upcoming surgery just broke me. I don't know if I can handle yet another health scare with her. I can't stand the idea of spending every day in the hospital again. I can't stand the idea that she may not make it through surgery. I can't stand the idea that
when she makes it through, my whole life will be on hold again to look after her. And I can't stand the idea that I'll be going through all this alone - yet again - without a significant other to rely on for support.
Even if my brothers do pitch in more, she still looks to me as her main source of comfort and aid. And I just don't know if I have it in me right now. I'm a fucking mess. I've told no one about this because I feel like such a piece of shit for even thinking these things. But really, when is it going to be about me? Will I ever get that happily ever after? Or am I just meant to look after others and be there for everyone else? Is this my life? And if it is...what do I have to look forward to? What if this is as good as it gets?
I'm so tired.
