Funeral for a Fish

Spike the Calico (age unknown) - of South Jersey, suddenly and unexpectedly departed this life and went home to his Creator on this Thursday afternoon. During his short life, he was an active and fun loving fish. He could often be found swimming round and round his bowl, hiding behind his favorite plastic plants, and schmoozing for food at the waterline.

Cause of death is unknown at this time, but his bowlmate - Louie the Gold - is currently being questioned by authorities regarding what looked like some torn fins and a very large bruise near Spike's mouth. When his owner was asked if another fish will be brought in to keep Louie company, she replied, "I think it might be best for Louie - and any other potential bowlmates - if he were to be kept confined from the general population for the rest of his life a while."

Besides his psychotic bowlmate Louie, Spike is survived by his doting owner and author of this blog, and an unknown number of brothers and sisters who live in fishbowls throughout the Northeast. We will all miss him dearly. A ceremony will be held in the bathroom down the hall this evening. In lieu of flowers, please offer an honorary flush of your toilet in his honor.

And so you're back, from outer space

I've had two lists of questions sitting around in the "Posts" section of the dashboard just waiting to be answered. The first five are from Todd, who according to a recent fuckwit source is my hero. Clearly I must answer these immediately lest I upset the object of my worship. The second set are from someone I can't remember else.

Todd's Questions

1. What is the one thing, besides family and friends, that you'll miss about South Florida?
I will miss wearing nothing but a t-shirt and jeans to go out in the middle of January. As much as I look forward to the change of seasons, I know I'll be bitching and moaning come the dead of winter here in the northeast.

2. Describe in brief detail the worst date you've ever been on.
This is easy. Click here.

3. If you could meet one celebrity for a non-sexual encounter, who would it be?
Gerard Butler.
Shut up. I'm sure we'd have a lot to talk about.

4. Better Daren: Dick York or Dick Sargent?
Dick York for sure. He was always so frantic. He could make a cup of coffee nervous. It was fun to watch him melt down week after week. Dick Sargent always seemed so annoyed. I think Endora should have magically removed the stick from his ass.

5. Where is your favorite pizza place? Why is it your favorite?
My favorite pizza place in the world is Pizza Fantasy in Rome. It's down the street from the central Termini, right next to the Sexy Theatre. I don't know which was there first, the pizza or the porn, but the pizza is by far the best I've ever had in my life. I haven't been there in years, so it's possible that they have cleaned up that area and changed the name. I just hope they haven't changed the recipe.


Someone Else's Questions

1. If money were no object, what would you be doing with your life?
I'd buy homes in all my favorite cities, and spend my days searching each city for beautiful things to fill them with. I'd go to art museums, fine restaurants, and Broadway shows. I'd hire a sexy trainer to get my body back in shape and then of course, I'd fuck him.

2. Money is just that - an object, so why aren’t you doing it?
Because if I tried to do these things with the money available to me, I'd go to jail for check fraud.

3. What’s better: horses or cows?
Horses are cool because you can ride them and they are pretty.
Cows moo and make steak.
It's a tough call.

4. What do you think the secret to happiness is?
See number 1.

5. When was the last time you had a dream that you either remember well or did not want to awake from? Can you share a bit?
This is a family site, I can't share.
Oh wait, no it's not.

6. When you were a little kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?
I wanted to be the first female coach in the NFL.

7. Complete this statement: Love is...
higher than a mountain! Love is thicker than water!

8. Can you tell a good story?
I can tell a fabulous story. Haven't you been reading my blog?

9. Can you remember your last daydream? What was it about?
I remember it well. It was about sex. And real estate. Sex and real estate. Mmmmmm.

10. If you were to thank someone today, who would you thank?
My mom, for making it possible for me to finish school. And for putting up with me when I was a teenager. And for letting me live with her so that I can save up for my dream of sex and real estate.

To The Ordinary World

I disregard the proportions, the measures, the tempo of the ordinary world.
I refuse to live in the ordinary world as ordinary women.
To enter ordinary relationships.
I want ecstasy.
I am a neurotic -- in the sense that I live in my world.
I will not adjust myself to the world.
I am adjusted to myself.

Anais Nin

10 Places I Have Been Kissed

An elevator in the Eiffel Tower

The upper deck of the Manly Ferry

On the coast of the Whitsunday Islands

A bathroom in Salzburg Austria

The Sydney Opera House - during an opera

On Las Ramblas in Barcelona

Half-time at an Aussie Rules football game

Jim Morrison's grave

The boardwalk - and beaches - of the Jersey Shore (I should hope so)

A cheap Baltimore hotel (OK not such an exciting venue, but the kiss is worth mentioning)

Apologies to Gerard Butler

Dear Gerard,

I owe you an apology. Not because I've actually wronged you in any way, but because I may have inadvertantly caused you some minor embarrassment. I didn't mean to, it just sort of happened - which seems to be the mantra of most bad bad girls. Not that I'm a bad bad girl! I'm not - although anyone searching for "I've been a bad bad girl" eventually ends up here. OK so I have pictured you in various stages of undress - as do most of the women on the planet. And yes, during those stages of undress there were somewhat rude things going on as well - and by rude I mean...well..shut up. I'm sure you know what I mean. Am I babbling? I think I might be babbling. I do that when I'm nervous...

Ahem. My train of thought seems to still be boarding at the station.

What I am getting at, is that I may have caused you embarrassment - unintentionally! - because of this picture.

Now let me make something clear. I did not snap this photo. I am not a stalker, part of the paparazzi, or in anyway affiliated with the Hollywood machine. It all started when Tits McGee - yes, blame Tits! - posted the link to this infamous wedgie shot in my comments. Since then I have gotten an average of 50 hits a day from said link. OK so I used that link again. Twice now. Shut up. And now it seems that just about any image search you can possibly imagine will lead the unwitting public to my blog by way of your...assets. Looking for the letter "n"? Search under google images, and eventually it will bring you to my blog via your butt. Look up "titless blog" - why anyone would do this I do not know - and there you are front and center. Sadly for you, I am the number one hit for "Accidental Flash" on the Internets, and now that phrase is inextricably linked with your ass as well. And here I thought we had nothing in common.

Don't even ask about the searches for your penis. Do you have any idea how many people want to see your penis? It's really quite disturbing.

I never meant for hundreds - soon to be thousands at this rate - of people who wouldn't normally have found that picture - linked from a site called queerclick no less - to come upon it in such a way. But really, it's not such a big deal. You can take comfort in the fact that you are not only insanely hot, but an international superstar making ridiculous amounts of money as well. This photo is not going to hurt your chances of getting laid in any way. In fact some might find it adorable. Because let's face it - we all get wedgies.

I am under no delusions that you will ever read my blog. However, I am a strong believer in karma. So I am just putting out my apology to the universe in the hopes that this incident will not come back and ...you know..bite me on the ass.

Sincerely,

Brookelina

P.S. During the writing of this, six more people showed up here by way of your bu...uh...photo. I really am very very sorry.

New Jersey: Take Two

In the world of tv and movies, when our hero - or for the sake of this post, Our Heroine - returns home after a long period of absence, a series of events encompassing both hilarity and poignancy ensue. Our Heroine goes from one incredibly wacky situation after another that leave her shaking her head in that "Only in my hometown do these things happen" kind of way. Family members make her insane - but make her appreciate being home again at the same time. Quirky characters show up to add local color and charm. It's all very interesting and entertaining and amusing.

Because my world is in fact, real, and not on either big or small screen - from here on in I have decided to live my life as a series of riveting and enthralling scenes. I am now Our Heroine. Smart. Funny. Delightfully witty. Not to mention desperately in need of finding the right man. Each and every moment of my life will be treated as if it were the most fascinating thing that has ever happened to me, or anyone else for that matter. Doing laundry, lying around for two straight days in my pajamas, helping my mother into bed - all carefully choreographed scenes designed to delight my nonexistent viewing audience. I'm not a movie star, but I play one in real life.

Tomorrow morning's scene: Our Heroine will go to her favorite local convenience store to get her beloved coffee - and to ogle construction workers. Perhaps she will drop a dollar on the floor, clunk heads with a beautiful manly man as they both reach down to pick it up, and then engage in a flirty little exchange. Later he'll track her down, bring her flowers, and turn out to be not only completely enamored of her but of course, single as well.

Or not.

Stay tuned.

There's no place like home

Cause down the shore everything's all right

I'm moving. I'm not sure if I've made that clear to everyone in the blog world. Saturday morning I leave the sunshine state once and for all to head home to the motherland - the Jersey Shore.

Florida has been good to me, much as I hate to admit it. I've made wonderful friends. I've been able to spend a lot of time with my family members who all seemed to migrate down here around the same time that I did. I went back to school and finally attained the college degree that has eluded me all these years. I found my calling as a teacher and have never been happier with my career. Florida has served its purpose for me, and for that I am grateful. But now it's time to move on.

I'm a Jersey girl and proud of it. It's home, where I belong. I've missed the salt in the air, the change of the seasons, and the community of a small town. I look forward to reconnecting with old friends, spending time with mom, and starting life afresh.

Wish me luck.

Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.
- Chinese fortune cookie

Brooke TV - May/June Lineup

I haven't done a "look at the freaks who come to my blog" post in a while. Actually I haven't done any posts in a while. I've been tied up (hehehe....ok I'll stop) with paperwork for the end of the school year, preparing for my move back to NJ, packing my classroom, packing my apartment, applying for jobs, saying good bye to friends, and playing Super Bounce Out. I realize that none of you really give a shit why I haven't blogged, but I still feel the need to explain myself. However, I am unable to explain most of the following keyword searches. My theory is that we are all going to hell. Be sure to fireproof your handbasket now while you can.

Lifetime
how do you know your a sociopath
what do you say when the one you thought you loved gets married?
never advise plastic dick gave a proper love - I don't know what this means but I came up number 1.
i will be your favorite girl i've been bad
if you was in charge of the world what would you do - I would teach you proper grammar.

The Gerard Butler Channel
gerard butler underwear
gerard butler penis
gerard butler gay
gerard butler's girlfriends
GERARD BUTLER'S PENIS SIZE
gerard butler income
is gerard butler secretly married

ABC - All Brooke Channel
does brooke have to take a bath?
brooke in background boob out
brooke you suck.com
how do you know if you brooke your leg?
"brooke bond" texas
fucking my ex brooke - cause once you go Brooke, you never go back.

Food Network
what's the difference between calzone and stromboli
difference between calzone and wedgies
RED ROSE TEA- MONKEY
i have too much on my plate
flounder poems

Playboy
sex movies on blogspot
my butty
sluthood
sex thieving girls punished
strangest sexual fantasies
cute dick eater
both sexes fuck - this search came from Korea. Don't both sexes fuck there?
fat naked overeaters on you tube - most disturbing about this...I came up number 1.

Titty TV - new!
beautiful creepy-crawly boobs
accidental boob flash
titless blog
"look at these tits"
tits mcgee - woohoo! they did this search under images. I'm sure they were shocked to find a picture of Gerard Butler scratching his ass.