I'm Sorry I Couldn't Help You

Recently someone came upon my blog using the following search term:

how to ask someone to a dance if your 11 and the person who you want to dance with is with someone you hate and everyone hates you in school

At first I cracked up. Brilliant, I thought. That's the best search term ever. I have to post this and share the laugh. I even searched high and low for a funny picture of a nerd trying to get a date.

But then I started remembering what it was like to be that age. Kids can be so cruel. One day you have lots of friends, the next they turn on you for someone with a cooler pair of sneakers. I wondered what it would be like to be an 11 year old so desperate for help that I would turn to Google for answers. How sad that my blog came up in the search - I'm sure I was absolutely no help at all.

And so my 11 year old friend, I apologize that my blog couldn't give you the answers you were looking for. But know this, you aren't alone. That feeling that everyone hates you - we all feel that way sometimes - even adults. Just remember to stay true to yourself, to treat people the way you want to be treated - and things will get better.You will find friends who do the same. And soon those haters won't matter to you at all anymore.

I hope you go to the dance. And I hope you get to dance with the one you "hate."

My First Movie Review - 300

After having just returned from the spectacle that is 300, I feel compelled to write my first movie review. I am still unable to shake the feeling of the sepia-toned world that is Sparta. My apartment looks too colorful, and it seems way too quiet in here. This is definitely a movie that stays with you.

I've been looking forward to this film for a long time. Not because I'm a Frank Miller fan - (though I think I may be one now) and not because of Gerard Butler (who is Oh.My.Fucking.God. gorgeous in this) - but because I long for movies that have their own look, their own feel, their own style. This is a film that has a beautiful story to tell and that tells it beautifully. And believe me when I tell you, it is visually stunning. It's like walking into a painting that has suddenly come to life all around you. There is no other way to describe it.

Yes, it has elements of other movies in it. I admit I was not as emotionally invested in 300 as I was in Gladiator, a movie that still makes me cry every time I watch it. And some of the warriors for the Persians looked remarkably like the Orcs from The Lord of the Rings, not to mention the Gollum like character that betrays the Spartans. But it does have other elements that these movies lack. The incredibly strong female lead in the form of the kick-ass Queen Gorgo, who could easily rule today. The real love story between the King and Queen depicting two people who genuinely respect each other - and have some serious sex as well. The moment where Leonidas looks back at his wife for her approval before shouting the famous, "This is Sparta!" line to the Persian messenger may be my favorite in this whole film. Second only to the scene where Leonidas snacks on an apple while walking through the litter of hundreds of dead Persians. And let's not forget the 300 perfect specimens of man-flesh.

As for the gore and violence that has been noted in virtually every review on the internets - at no time did I feel the need to shield my eyes. And let me tell you, I am a totally pussy when it comes to violence on film. The battle scenes are filmed as if they are perfectly choreographed ballets. The blood spatters are like falling rose petals blowing in the wind - never once staining the ground below them. Even the flying heads are artful - like a Dali painting come to life. And did I mention the 300 men with 6-pack abs - topped off by Leonidas and his 8-pack? If there is anything more beautiful than that, I have yet to see it. It should be noted that I left this film with the need for a cigarette. I am smoking one as I write this. I blame Gerard Butler for making me pick up this filthy habit again.

Go see this movie. Now. Get off your ass and go. Just don't blame me if you start smoking again.

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Added note: My recent post about this movie has brought in a whole new category of searches to my blog that I feel compelled to add. I'll call them The Sparta Searches. I'm sure more are on the way after this one. But here is just a sampling of the hits I've gotten so far.

this is sparta
"this is sparta" mom porn
what is sparta
porn sparta
sparta gay
300 sparta are they on steroids?
sparta abs
sparta homoerotic
sexual connotations of the spartan 300
spartan sex slave
abs like a spartan
"300" movie abs
gay porn ancient greece
ancient slave sex
300 sparta underwear

Madness? This is Sparta!

Under The Milky Way Tonight

1991. Sydney, Australia. Drinking a VB with my best friend just before a night out on the town. It doesn't get any better than that.
Time. Of. My. Life.

**Editor's Note: That's me on the right for those of you who don't know. Is it any surprise that I'm the one with the beer in my hand? I mean come on. And yeah, you can say it. My best friend is way hotter than I am. That's a fact.

K is for Kinky

Your Girl Parts Are Named:

Breakfast of Champions

Girl Parts Name Generator

Your Boobies' Names Are...

Dessert and Dinner

Boobie Name Generator

What Brooke Means

B is for Bubbly R is for Refreshing O is for Outrageous O is for Optimistic K is for Kinky E is for Enchanting

What Does Your Name Mean?

I love that not only are my girlie bits named for food - appropriate since I used to be a professional chef - but I once wrote a post called "Breakfast of Champions" as well (see sidebar). Ok fine, it's a Kurt Vonnegut novel, but I still come up on page three of Google searches for that phrase. Suck it Kurt!

Silly Sunday Meme

Once again I found an irresistible meme on some random blog. However some of the questions were quite boring, so I changed them. You probably won't be able to tell which ones I changed.

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1. Were you named after anyone? Yes. My Uncle Morty.

2. When was the last time you cried? Last night watching Gladiator. Why does he have to die? Why??

3. Why are you so fickle when it comes to men? I am not! Who said that!

4. What is your favorite lunchmeat? Ham twat! Turkey twat! Lunchmeat twat!

5. Do you have kids? I have 20 kids every day. Isn't that enough for you people?

6. If you were another person would you be friends with you? Yes, I’m a delightful person to be around.

7. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Of course not. That would sully my delightfulness.

8. Do you still have your tonsils? I do. I am trying very hard to keep all my innards where they belong.

9. Would you bungee jump? Would I like to jump off the top of a bridge with a rope tied around my ankles? Sure. Afterwards I could roll around on some broken glass and then sit in a tub of vodka.

10. What is your favorite cereal? Captain Crunch! No, Lucky Charms! No, Apple Jacks! Actually, I have Grape Nuts and oatmeal in my cabinet. I hate being a grown up.

11. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? I have people to do that for me.

12. Do you think you are strong? Yes. Me strong.

13. What is your favorite ice cream? Hazelnut gelato. Preferably from Florence, Italy. So if you want to take me out for ice cream, it's going to cost you a bit more than you expected.

14. What is the first thing you notice about people? Their smile. And their teeth. Then if it's a guy I check the abs. Usually with my hands. I really shouldn't be allowed out without supervision.

15. Red or pink? Depends on what we are talking about. Red can have scary connotations if it's something that is supposed to be pink.

16. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? That I torment my blogfriends with these incessant memes.

17. Who do you miss the most? Her.

18. What color pants and shoes are you wearing? White holey sweatpants and pink Ugg slippers. It's a fashion statement. It says, "It's Sunday and I’m a lazy slob."

19. What was the last thing you ate? Rye toast with slabs of butter. *Note to self: start diet tomorrow.

20. What are you listening to right now? Yellow Ledbetter by Pearl Jam. The most incoherent song ever performed. Fabulouslessness.

21. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Red Rose, of course.

22. Favorite smells? The beach, hot coffee, freesia, citrus, fresh baked bread, him right out of the shower.

23. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? I just got off the phone with my friend who invited me for sushi tonight. How considerate of her to call so I could have a ready answer for this question. I'll have to buy her some shrimp.

24. Hair color? Medium Auburn by L’Oreal.

25. Eye color? Medium Brown by Mom and Dad. (Oh and I'd like to take this opportunity to thank my Dad for not sharing the green-eyed gene with his only daughter - and while we're at it a special shout out to Mom for hogging the blond-haired gene as well)

27. Why aren't you married? Shut up! I'm so sick of people asking me this question. I'll get married when I'm damn good and ready!

28. Favorite food? You don't want to go there. It could take all day.

29. Scary movies or happy endings? Happy endings. Always always always go for the happy ending.
Interpret that as you will.

30. Last movie you watched? Babel - and if you want to know what i thought of it, look up "suckfest" in the dictionary. Just get Crash if you want to see a good movie about intertwining lives.

31. What did you dream about last night? Something about being a Spartan sex slave...it's still all very hazy...

32. What book are you reading? The complete works of Shakespeare.
Seriously, I am. Shut up.

33. Summer or winter? In Florida there is no winter, and I'm sick of it. So I'm going with winter. Yeah, you can remind me of this next year when I'm freezing my ass off in Jersey.

34. Hugs or kisses? I refuse to give up either one.

35. Favorite dessert? Sticky toffee pudding.

36. Do you have any special talents? Oh I do. I do I do.

37. What are they? If I wanted to answer that question, I'd have done so in number 36.

38. What color shirt are you wearing? Pink, to match my slippers. I may be a lazy slob, but that doesn't mean I can't be color coordinated.

39. When are you going to start preparing for your move back home? Shut up.

40. What did you watch on TV last? HGTV.

41. What is your favorite sound? The ocean.

42. Rolling Stones or The Beatles? People are still asking this question? Seriously, get a life.

43. What is the farthest you have been from home? Sydney, Australia. Or Hong Kong. Whichever is farther. Look it up.

44. Most likely to respond to this meme? Nobody.

45. Least likely to respond? Viggo. He's still not taking my calls. I think he's upset about the whole Spartan thing.

Bond...Brooke Bond

As a child, my mother only bought one kind of tea for our house - Red Rose Tea. This was for obvious reasons, for those in the know. It was actually called Brooke Bond Red Rose Tea. Brooke Bond was a company from England, and the name delighted my mother to no end. My paternal grandparents were right off the boat from the motherland, and I still remember my father teaching me the proper way to drink tea. Milk and sugar. Never ever use cream. I still drink it that way. Only with fake sugar now. Sorry dad.

I remember my mother trying to get me to pose with a rose between my teeth so she could send the photo to the makers of Red Rose Tea. She was convinced they'd want me to be their spokesmodel. At that point in my life, I was what you might call "awkward." I wore extraordinarily powerful glasses, I had a space between my front teeth you could drive a lorry through, and with my short hair and lack of general femininity - I was quite often mistaken for an unfortunate looking boy. It is highly unlikely that the makers of Red Rose Tea would have been interested.

I bring all this up because I recently found a link to my blog that has me listed as "Brooke...Bond?" Seeing that made bells go off in my mind. Not the ones I usually hear. These were different. It reminded me of my childhood, of my love for all things British - especially my lust for British secret agents. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I had a sudden urge to drink tea and drive on the wrong side of the road.

In my last post, Leezer asked me what genre of film I would be making when I became the newest tabloid darling. I responded that I would be starting a new genre - Soft Core/Action. I now have my character. By day I will be Red Rose - tea-swilling, Spotted Dick eating, lady of leisure. By night, Brooke Bond, international slutty superspy. It's going to be so great. Nobody's ever done anything like this before.

Cheers!

Why I Should be the Next Tabloid Darling

With Britney bald and in rehab and our beloved Anna Nicole lost forever, I think it's important that we find a new tabloid queen immediately. Yes, there are a few others, but they make me so nauseated that I refuse to even put their names on my blog. I'm a very sensitive woman, and it just breaks my heart that there are paparazzi out there with nobody to stalk. There are good American people out there with nothing to gossip about. Let's face it, the Britney stuff is just getting pathetic, and soon enough people will be saying "Anna Who?" And then where will we be? Talking about...war? Too depressing. Politics? Yawn. Global Warming? Heard it all before. We need someone new to gossip about right away! And being the good American that I am, I am willing to step up to the plate and sacrifice myself for the good of the many.

As your new Tabloid Darling, I promise to:

• Be famous for doing a whole lot of nothing. Cause like, I'm good at that.

• Make every effort to keep my underwear on in public. But not at home of course. Hello zoom lens!

• Lounge around my pool all day. I do this for the paparazzi, not for myself. I'm selfless like that. And of course there will always be an insanely hot man in the next lounge chair.

• Be outrageously promiscuous. Just don't be expecting any K-Feds or Birkheads on my resumé, I have higher standards than my predecessors when it comes to men.


• Say what I think without putting a whole lot of thought into the consequences. I know what you are all thinking. Shut up.


• Continue to allow my weight to fluctuate wildly on a daily basis. Yes, it's possible that the Oscar dress that the famous designer loaned me only days ago will be popping at the seams come the big night.


• Create controversy and set trends wherever I go. Looks like another trip to the Hanky Panky for me. I really hope that hooker has retired by now.
  


• Jetset around the world just for the hell of it. Oh the sacrifices I make!
  


• Have sex with lots of hot men. Did I say that already? Cause that's an important one.
  

Suggestions welcome. Thank you for your support.

Brooke TV - February Lineup

Yet another list - I never tire of these - of recent keyword and phrase searches that landed people here at the Babbling Brooke Network.

CNN

"american girls" "morally bankrupt"

i stole some shoes from a friend of mine

munich american high school blogspots

lesbian prisons

Lifetime

i feel bad for stealing money from my parents

husband mama's boy

how to "decline a lap dance"

my exboyfriend is asking for pictures of us? what does that mean - it means he's going to post them on the internet, you dumb twat

Playboy

fill my twat

titless and very thin

"songs in the key of sex"

kiss the cook apron penis

Travel Channel

cool places london

blogspot bikini

bikini hot blog

This is Sparta

Cartoon Network

babblers buffy

johnny pipewrench

sweater vest fairly odd parents

dog ate homework

MTV

i've been a bad bad girl song

there goes my hero

blind date no call

hot woman over 22 years old tits to fff tits

On Demand

brooke needs

viggo girlfriend

accidental flashing

The X-Files

Idea stolen from Kris.

#1 - if I had married you, I'd suffer the wrath of all who knew us. The disapproval would be palpable from miles away. The fact that you were eight years older than I would not have made much difference as we aged, but it was an enormous difference when we met - me at 18, you at 26. The fact that everyone told me you were a womanizing hellion would have probably have crystallized for me around year two. I'd no doubt be pregnant by then with the first of many. You'd spend your time working and drinking with your friends. I'd spend my time being the good wife and wondering where you were. We'd look like the happy local couple on the outside and go to all the fun local hangout spots where we were expected. But those in the know would cluck their tongues with pity at me, and we'd divorce by the time I was 30 due to your ever-present infidelity.

#2 - if I had married you I'd merely suffer the wrath of your immediate family for destroying your first marriage. Granted, I had nothing to do with it, but no doubt I'd have been blamed. I'd have been a too young stepmother, and I don't think that would have gone over well as time went on. Your late night gigs would have me wondering what you were really up to, but when we were together I'd forget my doubts. We'd share a lot of romance and a lot of genuine love, but we wouldn't have made it in the long run. We would always stay friends, and have friendly coffee dates to keep up with each other's lives.

#3 - if we had married, you would have taken longer to get ready for the ceremony than I, and that would have been a constant joke between us. We would move to Vermont and open that inn that we always wanted. We would give fabulous dinner parties and have many friends. Everyone would wonder how such a quiet man as yourself could have ended up with such a gregarious woman as myself. We'd work hard, and appreciate the skills that we both had and shared. The sex would continue to be off the charts, but the love would eventually dissipate. As time went on you'd really only be interested in me when I caught the attention of other men. Soon we would be more like business partners than lovers. We would divorce but stay business partners. We might stray in and out of each other's beds for years, until one of us found someone else to love, and then we would say good-bye forever.

#4 - if we had married I'd have floated down the aisle. It wouldn't bother me that everyone was looking at the groom on our wedding day, and not the bride, as that's how it had always been in our relationship. We'd live a bohemian life. You wouldn't want to stay still for very long, and I would go wherever you wanted. I'd be the caretaker, the money person, the responsible one. You'd be the dreamer, dragging me from one remote location to another. We'd lie in hammocks and amuse ourselves with conversations about nothing. We'd live in tree houses and ramshackle beach houses. When people would ask how I could stand it, they would only have to take one look at you to know why I followed you everywhere. You'd stay faithful to me despite the constant attention from other women, not because you loved me, but because you really couldn't be bothered. Eventually the vagabond life would be too much for me and I'd leave you, much to my own disbelief. I would move back home and secretly pine for you to come back for me.

#5 - if we had married you'd have done everything in your power to make me happy. You would treat me like a queen on a daily basis - and I would treat you like a king once in a while. I would only appreciate you when I felt myself losing you. People would talk about our age difference but it wouldn't bother us, in fact you would always wear it as a badge of honor that you landed yourself an older American woman. Your parents would continue to hate me for no reason other than I was older and American, especially your mother. The fact that your father and brother would accept me would make things even more difficult. We would end when I cheated on you with #6, whom I never was able to get over, despite us both being married to others.

#6 - if we had married we'd have had more trouble with the logistics of the wedding than the rest of our lives together. We'd spend a fortune trying to please everyone else and no doubt would have been miserable with the result. We'd live in your country, but the city I wanted, and you'd always secretly resent me from taking you away from your hometown. Only when we were alone would we be completely happy, when we could read each other's minds and express ourselves in ways nobody else could understand. We'd laugh when people would ask us how we met, and only a few people would know the real story. You'd always wonder if I wanted to move back home, and I'd always wonder if you were still in love with your ex. You'd be a great father and husband, but deep down I would never completely believe in your love for me. If we'd broken up, it would either be due to my insecurities, or because you slept with the girl I took you from in the first place. I'd move back to the states and never again be able to hear an Australian accent without crying.

#7 - lucky 7. Where the hell are you? It seems like I've been waiting forever.

39 Incredibly Immature Questions

I found these questions on a high school girl's blog. I considered answering all of them in high school mode, but I gave myself a headache.

1. Where do you hang your towel to dry after showering?
On the back of my bathroom door.

2. What kind of mouse pad do you have?
It's from my last job. Everytime I look at it I'm reminded of how glad I am that I changed careers. However, in reading this answer, I realize I need to get myself something a little more pornographic exciting.

3. Do you brush your hair with a comb or a brush?
Like I could get a comb through this mane.

4. In your opinion, who do you think is the hottest celebrity?
My opinion on this subject changes on a monthly basis. At the moment I have an unnatural obsession predilection for Gerard Butler.

5. You have a project due tomorrow, do you use tape or glue?
Duct tape

6. Chicken or pork?
Mmmmm...chicken. Fried chicken. No wait! Mmmm...bacon. Fried bacon...

7. By the time you get to school, is it still dark?
I love that this one is about school, highlighting the teenage aspect of the questionnaire. However, since I do go to school everyday, I will answer it.
No.

8. If you had a choice to be a unicorn or mermaid which would it be?
Oh come on. A mermaid of course. Swim around topless all day? I'm there.
Wait...can mermaids have sex?
Is it too late to change my answer?

9. What color is your underwear?
Underwear?

10. What time does the sun usually set?
I don't like this question. I am ignoring it.

11. What/who do you think of last before you go to sleep?
See number 4.

12. AC or fan?
Both.

13. Do you wear braces?
No, I do not. And no, I never did.

14. Can you do a hand stand?
I can do it in a pool. I can do lots of things in a pool...

15. If you were the opposite sex, how would you style your hair?
I'd have a buzz cut and I'd rub my head all day long.

16. What level English are you in?
I like to think I am at the highest level, thank you.

17. Jessica Simpson or Alba?
Alba, of course.

18. Which subject is worse, English or Math?
Oh. My. God. Like...I totally hate Math!

19. What's one thing you really want to do this very moment?
See number 4.

20. What movie are you embarrassed to admit you've watched?
Godzilla. Mothra vs. Godzilla. Godzilla vs. Monster Zero. Son of Godzilla. Godzilla vs. the Smog Monster. Godzilla vs. Megalon. Godzilla, Ebirah, Mothra: Big Duel In The South Sea.
You get the idea.

21. CD player or iPOD?
Why can't I have both?

22. Would you rather spin upside down going 30 miles or drop 400 ft. into water?
I'd rather kick the person who wrote this in the nuts.

23. Whats your favorite shape?
See number 4.

24. What do you have planned for the weekend?
First I'm going to a kegger over at Jimmy's. Then I'm like totally going shopping at the mall. Then I have cheerleading practice. Then I'm going to bang the football team.
Shut up! Not the whole team. Just the offensive line.

25. Have you ever gone ice skating?
Why is this question here?

26. If you were put in a room with nothing except for a pencil and paper, what would you do?
Draw stick figure porn.

27. Is it always easy finding your remote every time you want to watch TV?
Yes, one of the many perks of living alone.

28. How was your day?
You really don't care. Why do you ask when you don't care?

29. Do you grow your nails, bite or cut them?
I grow them, and they are quite lovely thank you.

30. Describe your handwriting.
Legible on a good day.

31. Do you consider yourself a stalker?
I don't, no. You might want to ask someone else though.

32. Do you bruise easily?
I actually do. I'm a dainty little blossom.

33. There's nothing on TV except Barney and Japanese news what do you do?
Fuck.

34. Do you know more then 3 myspace codes?
I have absolutely no idea what this question means.

35. You got an essay due, you either can type or write in pen, which will it be?
"You got an essay due?" With grammar like that, it won't matter whether it's typed or handwritten.

36. Do you wear jeans to relax at home?
No. I wear holey sweatpants. That's holey, not holy.

37. Describe yourself using three words.
Sweet. Smart. Goofy.

38. Do you use deodorant?
You better hope so.

39. Do you like ice in your drink?
Depends on the drink.