Scarlet Hip

Is This Thing On?

2008-12-29T12:56:00.000-05:00

I have not been much of a blogger lately. Life tends to get in the way of such endeavors. And yet I can not bring myself to shut down or completely abandon my own little space in blogland. Most of the people who actually read my stuff in the past are either gone, on Facebook (ahem), or have given up the Internets completely, and even I am not sure I have anything to say worth reading.

Last night I spent some time going over my archives. At one time I was a pretty damn good writer. I went into this as a way to express myself and share funny stories from my somewhat deviant past, never realizing that blogging can very easily take over your life. Where did I find the time to write these entertaining little anecdotes? And then comment with such wit and wisdom on other blogs? And why did I have that giant L on my forehead?

In a rare moment of absolutely clarity, I realized that I wrote about so much about my past because not much was going on in my present - and the future didn't look all that exciting either. Actually that's not true. I had many dreams for my future - I just didn't know how to make them happen. I wanted to move home, buy a house, and get a dog. I also wanted a boy and a smokin' body. A smokin' body for me, not the boy. No wait, actually for the boy too. I've probably mentioned this 12 or 20 times on this blog at one point or another.

But things turned out differently than I expected. My future did change for the better. Moving home was the smartest thing I have done in years. Not to say that Florida was a mistake - it wasn't. I went back to school, started a new career, and made wonderful friends that I still stay in touch with on a regular basis. But coming here has been life-altering. I got a great job and work with fabulous people, I started working on my Master's (and I am about to start my ninth class out of ten), I bought a home, got a dog, and am generally - wait for it - happy. Yes, I am happy. It's hard for me to even type the word, so long have I truly felt this feeling. And I can't fight this feeling anymore...I've forgotten what I started....OK stop that. It's not necessary to make jokes about happiness. And that giant L on my forehead? It must have gotten lost in the move.

When I moved into my home after living in my mother's den for the better part of a year, I lovingly unpacked my many boxes that had been held prisoner in storage for so long. Never has unpacking felt so sweet. As I ripped through my kitchen gadgets, I found a little chalkboard that had been hanging in my Florida kitchen. I had drawn a picture of a house on it, complete with chimney and yard. Amazingly, the chalk drawing was intact. It was my own little dream photo, and there I was, holding a picture of the very dream that had come true. Two weeks later, I brought my puppy home. I quickly added him to the picture and hung it up in my very own kitchen.

I have no idea where I am going with this post. I think I just wanted a place to express my gratitude. I am beyond grateful for how things are going in my life. 2008 has been an extraordinary year for me and because of this, I am have never been so excited to see what a new year can bring. In 2009 I will achieve a Master's degree when not so long ago I hadn't even graduated from college. In 2009 I will achieve the smokin' body that I long for. And in 2009 I will find the one I have been waiting for.

Maybe I should put him in the picture too. Just to make sure.

Happy 2009 everyone! May all your dreams come true!

Oh Happy Day

2008-11-04T23:45:00.000-05:00

BOO!

2008-10-26T11:29:00.003-04:00

If Only They Had Thought of This...

2008-10-12T15:10:00.001-04:00

Not again!

2008-09-07T08:39:00.001-04:00

Toothpaste for dinner

Thank you Gloria Steinem

2008-09-06T10:46:00.002-04:00

While I don't usually get political on this blog, I wanted to share this brilliant piece from the Los Angeles Times Opinion page.

Palin: wrong woman, wrong message

Sarah Palin shares nothing but a chromosome with Hillary Clinton. She is Phyllis Schlafly, only younger.

By Gloria Steinem
September 4, 2008

Here's the good news: Women have become so politically powerful that even the anti-feminist right wing -- the folks with a headlock on the Republican Party -- are trying to appease the gender gap with a first-ever female vice president. We owe this to women -- and to many men too -- who have picketed, gone on hunger strikes or confronted violence at the polls so women can vote. We owe it to Shirley Chisholm, who first took the "white-male-only" sign off the White House, and to Hillary Rodham Clinton, who hung in there through ridicule and misogyny to win 18 million votes.

But here is even better news: It won't work. This isn't the first time a boss has picked an unqualified woman just because she agrees with him and opposes everything most other women want and need. Feminism has never been about getting a job for one woman. It's about making life more fair for women everywhere. It's not about a piece of the existing pie; there are too

Selecting Sarah Palin, who was touted all summer by Rush Limbaugh, is no way to attract most women, including die-hard Clinton supporters. Palin shares nothing but a chromosome with Clinton. Her down-home, divisive and deceptive speech did nothing to cosmeticize a Republican convention that has more than twice as many male delegates as female, a presidential candidate who is owned and operated by the right wing and a platform that opposes pretty much everything Clinton's candidacy stood for -- and that Barack Obama's still does. To vote in protest for McCain/Palin would be like saying, "Somebody stole my shoes, so I'll amputate my legs."

This is not to beat up on Palin. I defend her right to be wrong, even on issues that matter most to me. I regret that people say she can't do the job because she has children in need of care, especially if they wouldn't say the same about a father. I get no pleasure from imagining her in the spotlight on national and foreign policy issues about which she has zero background, with one month to learn to compete with Sen. Joe Biden's 37 years' experience.

Palin has been honest about what she doesn't know. When asked last month about the vice presidency, she said, "I still can't answer that question until someone answers for me: What is it exactly that the VP does every day?" When asked about Iraq, she said, "I haven't really focused much on the war in Iraq."

She was elected governor largely because the incumbent was unpopular, and she's won over Alaskans mostly by using unprecedented oil wealth to give a $1,200 rebate to every resident. Now she is being praised by McCain's campaign as a tax cutter, despite the fact that Alaska has no state income or sales tax. Perhaps McCain has opposed affirmative action for so long that he doesn't know it's about inviting more people to meet standards, not lowering them. Or perhaps McCain is following the Bush administration habit, as in the Justice Department, of putting a job candidate's views on "God, guns and gays" ahead of competence. The difference is that McCain is filling a job one 72-year-old heartbeat away from the presidency.

So let's be clear: The culprit is John McCain. He may have chosen Palin out of change-envy, or a belief that women can't tell the difference between form and content, but the main motive was to please right-wing ideologues; the same ones who nixed anyone who is now or ever has been a supporter of reproductive freedom. If that were not the case, McCain could have chosen a woman who knows what a vice president does and who has thought about Iraq; someone like Texas Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison or Sen. Olympia Snowe of Maine. McCain could have taken a baby step away from right-wing patriarchs who determine his actions, right down to opposing the Violence Against Women Act.

Palin's value to those patriarchs is clear: She opposes just about every issue that women support by a majority or plurality. She believes that creationism should be taught in public schools but disbelieves global warming; she opposes gun control but supports government control of women's wombs; she opposes stem cell research but approves "abstinence-only" programs, which increase unwanted births, sexually transmitted diseases and abortions; she tried to use taxpayers' millions for a state program to shoot wolves from the air but didn't spend enough money to fix a state school system with the lowest high-school graduation rate in the nation; she runs with a candidate who opposes the Fair Pay Act but supports $500 million in subsidies for a natural gas pipeline across Alaska; she supports drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve, though even McCain has opted for the lesser evil of offshore drilling. She is Phyllis Schlafly, only younger.

I don't doubt her sincerity. As a lifetime member of the National Rifle Assn., she doesn't just support killing animals from helicopters, she does it herself. She doesn't just talk about increasing the use of fossil fuels but puts a coal-burning power plant in her own small town. She doesn't just echo McCain's pledge to criminalize abortion by overturning Roe vs. Wade, she says that if one of her daughters were impregnated by rape or incest, she should bear the child. She not only opposes reproductive freedom as a human right but implies that it dictates abortion, without saying that it also protects the right to have a child.

So far, the major new McCain supporter that Palin has attracted is James Dobson of Focus on the Family. Of course, for Dobson, "women are merely waiting for their husbands to assume leadership," so he may be voting for Palin's husband.

Being a hope-a-holic, however, I can see two long-term bipartisan gains from this contest.

Republicans may learn they can't appeal to right-wing patriarchs and most women at the same time. A loss in November could cause the centrist majority of Republicans to take back their party, which was the first to support the Equal Rights Amendment and should be the last to want to invite government into the wombs of women.

And American women, who suffer more because of having two full-time jobs than from any other single injustice, finally have support on a national stage from male leaders who know that women can't be equal outside the home until men are equal in it. Barack Obama and Joe Biden are campaigning on their belief that men should be, can be and want to be at home for their children.

This could be huge.

Gloria Steinem is an author, feminist organizer and co-founder of the Women's Media Center. She supported Hillary Clinton and is now supporting Barack Obama.

Less than a week to go until back to school...

2008-08-27T07:41:00.004-04:00

A week in the life of a squeaky toy

2008-08-18T14:34:00.009-04:00

Day One: Hello! This is Monkey. Not the same Monkey as the famed videographer (wait, is that a word? why is it coming up as an error in spell check? dammit!) and retired blogger. Oh no, I am none of those things. I spend my life hanging from a tri-colored rope and resting on a fuzzy banana. I am a squeaky toy. A squeaky toy manufactured to be a dog's best friend. To supply hours of squeaky goodness to my canine master and human pack leader. Though it doesn't sound like much, my life has a purpose. I am grateful for this.

Yay for me!
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Day Two: I was very excited when I met my canine, Riley. It was love at first sight! He's been through a tough time, so he was well-deserving of a Monkey of my caliber. He was very welcoming, and immediately introduced me to one of his good friends, Frog. He didn't say much, but I assumed that my new Frog friend was just very shy. (This is what they call foreshadowing.)

Look at those big, trusting eyes.

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Day Three: Riley and I have been playing nonstop since I got here! Oh the joy of running around the house together, my squeaker sounding emphatically under Riley's powerful jaws. While he's a sweet puppy, he does play a bit rough. I figured that sooner or later he would let me rest with Frog and the other toys in the basket. I am already growing quite tired, and my tri-colored rope has become a bit unraveled. Also, most of my fuzzy banana is now in the dumpster. It was quite startling to see its innards spread throughout the living room, I can tell you!

I'm hanging in there!
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Day Four: I have discovered, too late, that shyness is not Frog 's problem. His inability to speak is due to the fact that his tongue has been ripped out by the devil dog from hell. His beautiful green plushy outside is covered with the slime of our torturer, as am I. My ears are chewed through, and I have a very embarassing hole near my bottom. The human laughs at my pain. I am in fear for my life. Somebody save me!

HELP!!!!

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Day Five: Frog tried to save me, but alas, it's too late for me. No needle and thread can undo this damage. My life's purpose is to end up in a dumpster next to the innards of a thousand other shredded squeaky toys. Run Frog, run! Save yourself!

Warning - the following picture may be too graphic for younger audiences.

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This sucks.
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If this doesn't make you smile...

2008-07-30T20:42:00.002-04:00

Where the Hell is Matt? (2008) from Matthew Harding on Vimeo.

And get me a Snausage while you're up...

2008-07-26T12:10:00.006-04:00

Riley wishes to convey his appreciation for all the good thoughts and well wishes during his time of need. He came through the operation just fine, but unfortunately the damage to his hip (the surgeon believes it was indeed from being hit by a car before we met) was worse than originally believed. Riley will most likely need another surgery in the near future (he doesn't know about this yet, so please keep it on the down-low) to completely repair the damage.

In the meantime, he is resting comfortably with HGTV and Soapnet on heavy rotation. I'm sure once the Tramadol wears off he will realize the TV is actually behind him.

Big Day

2008-07-24T09:11:00.003-04:00

Riley is having surgery today to repair his hip. There will be much whimpering, crying, and huddling in the corner.

Luckily, Riley will be unconscious during this time and won't have to deal with me.

Send good thoughts.

Where Love Resides Pt. 2

2008-07-14T12:26:00.003-04:00

Guess what? The pity party is over. I don't need to pinpoint when I was in love in the past, or why it didn't work out, or live with angst over lost opportunities. I don't need to prove to anyone, including myself, that I've had great loves in order to give my life some sort of cinema-inspired purpose. I have love in my life right here and now. True blue unwavering love. This is where love resides. In the face of this sweet, adoring puppy. A puppy I found, or found me, just a few months ago. Who makes me laugh every single day. Who snuggles with me while we watch TV. Who counts on me to take care of him and protect him. And most importantly, and miraculously, who trusts me completely.

I didn't know Riley for the first seven months of his life so I don't know exactly what his childhood story is. I know that the Humane Society brought him up from a shelter in North Carolina just a few days before we met, but they knew nothing about his background. He adamantly refuses to tell me anything about his previous life - which I find very frustrating. There are signs, though, that his life was difficult. When we first met, he was so thin his ribs were showing. He has small scars on his nose that won't seem to heal. He has a large chip in one of his front teeth. He was terrified of certain rooms in my house - especially the ones with tile on the floor (he has since overcome this fear). If he felt he did something wrong, he would literally bow down submissively at my feet and wimper (he has since overcome this as well). But his absolute sweetness, his loving nature, and his silly antics completely won me over.

My biggest concern was the limp I noticed a few days after he came home. At times he would be running perfectly fine, and then suddenly he would pull up his one leg and hobble along. The vet said it was probably just an old injury and gave him some medicine. The limping seemed to get better, but I couldn't help but notice that his hip wasn't quite right. So back we went to the vet for x-rays. When the vet came back with them, she told me that there was one thing she expected to see, and another she didn't.

What she expected to see on the x-ray was that Riley's hip has dysplasia. The vet believes that he was not born with it, but that he was either beaten, hit by a car, or even possibly thrown from a car. I was horrified by this news. I could not, and still can not, believe that someone injured him so badly that his hip actually grew incorrectly. It is beyond my comprehension. His hip will need surgery to repair the damage.

What she did not expect to see was the big white spot on the other leg. What the hell is that, I asked. Please tell me it's not a tumor.

It's not a tumor, she said.

It's a bullet.

Someone shot him when he was just a little puppy.

Someone. Shot. Him.

This dog who runs to everyone he meets with tail wagging - was shot. This dog who sits at my feet waiting for hugs - was abused. This dog who lies on his back on the bed with his head on my shoulder - was mistreated. This dog who allows small children to pull his tail and stick fingers in his nose - was treated cruelly.

He holds no grudges. He feels no self-pity. He loves unconditionally.

He is my inspiration.

And he is where my love resides.

Where love resides

2008-07-05T16:30:00.004-04:00

It's been a lazy day around my house. Riley, who apparently is allergic to pollen, which is the least of his health problems, but that's another post, is currently on steroids - making him listless and lethargic. His lack of energy seems to be contagious as I have divided my day between approximately three activities - watching television, sending messages on Facebook, and attempting the local paper's sudoku puzzle. Damn the sudoku! Curse the sudoku! Fuck you sudoku!

During the television portion of the day, I found myself getting sucked into the requisite Saturday afternoon chick flick. In this case, it was How to Make an American Quilt, which actually goes beyond being a chick flick to being what may be the original vagina monologue. The only thing that saves this movie from being completely vomit inducing is the brief appearances of beautiful men to offset the off-the-charts estrogen levels. But of course, being the sad sap of simp that I am, I found myself welling up at an unexpected turn of phrase in the movie.

~~The premise of the film - no forget it this will take too long.~~ The quilt being made for Wynona Ryder's character in the film- I don't know her name, if you want to know you can click the link - has a theme: where love resides. Each female character in the film is constructing her own piece of the quilt that represents where love resides to them. One woman creates a garden that reminds her of her recently passed husband, another remembers a man she met in Paris and makes a section with the Eiffel Tower, and still another sews a painter's palette for her artist husband (who has consistently cheated on her since they first married).

And so I started thinking about what my piece would look like if I were part of this quilt.

.
.
.

And I couldn't think of a damn thing. Nothing. Nada. Nyet.

My mind searched and searched and came up empty.

I felt hollow inside, like the wind had been sucked from me. Am I completely loveless? Have I ever really known love? What's wrong with me that I can't think of a place or time in life that represents love?

I've known happiness. My travels across the world were the best time of my life. I even fell in love a few times, or so I thought at the time. Even now, my life is in a truly wonderful place - I have the home I have always dreamed of, a great job, friends, family, and the puppy I have been wanting for so many years. But is there love? Will there ever be?

Maybe - someday - this house will be where my love resides.

Stupid chick flicks.

The Life of Riley

2008-06-30T17:06:00.005-04:00

Like a laborious mosaic

2008-06-24T16:06:00.007-04:00

Because I lack inspiration to write, and this is much more fun than doing homework or dealing with family dramas. Make yourself a mosaic. You'll feel better. Thanks to Miss Syl at the Sexeteria for this one.

The concept:
1. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search.
2. Using only the first page of results, and pick one image.
3. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into Big Huge Lab's Mosaic Maker to create a mosaic of the picture answers.

The questions:
1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food? right now?
3. What high school did you go to?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. Who is your celebrity crush?
6. What is your favorite drink?
7. What is your dream vacation?
8. What is your favorite dessert?
9. What do you want to be when you grow up?
10. What do you love most in life?
11. What is one word that describes you?
12. What is your flickr name?

Bonus points for knowing where the title comes from.

Psychopath Test

2008-06-18T10:46:00.005-04:00

I recently received this as an email. This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly. I am pleased to announce that the psychopathic answer never even dawned on me. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads.

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a man whom she did not know. She thought he was amazing. She believed him to be her dream man so much that she fell in love with him right there - but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?

Give this some thought before you answer. Put answers in the comments. The pyscho answer will be revealed on Friday.

Highlight below for answer:

She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you
answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. Freak!

School's out for summer!!!

2008-06-13T14:48:00.002-04:00

Hey Look! A Meme!

2008-06-06T12:50:00.006-04:00

Todd tagged me for this. Sort of. And since, as usual, I seem to be plum out of inspiration (and readers) I figured I'd go ahead and dive into another meme.

What was I doing ten years ago?
Ten years ago I was working for a tyrannical Greek man who made a year out of my life a living hell. The only reason I even lasted that long was because of the hot young stud I was working with who made the job a lot more ...uh...fun. This job was the reason for my leaving the hospitality industry once and for all, so in a twisted "everything happens for a reason" way I should be grateful to him. Someday I'll show him my gratitude by having my puppy make him a lawn ornament.

What are five things on my list to do today?
1. Write this blog post (Psych!)
2. Complete my overdue assignment for my Master's course.
3. Make a list of the many things I have to do and buy for my house.
4. Do the laundry.
5. Play with my dog.
I'm guessing approximately two of these things will get done today. Can you guess which ones?

Snacks I enjoy?
I was tempted to take Todd's answer: "Snacks I don't enjoy" would be a shorter list. But I'm no copycat.
I enjoy almost all snacks - accept for pork rinds. And even those will do in a pinch.
Shut up. That's not copying.

Things I would do if I were a billionaire? - oh the things I'd do!
1. Go to one of those spa/detox centers. Spend weeks getting massages from beautiful men,rolling around in mud baths, and cleansing my no-doubt disgustingly full colon.

2. Once I was refreshed and gloriously fat free, I'd get my boobs lifted so they would no longer frame my navel like window panels.

3. Now that I am slim and lifted, it's time for the new wardrobe! Hello Giorgio? You're late for my fitting! I don't have all day!

4. Travel around the world for a while - first class- and buy homes in my favorite cities. Sydney beach front, Florentine hillside, NYC Greenwich Village, and of course my glorious Jersey Shore.

5. Travel around some more picking up furniture and beautiful things (and beautiful boys!) for my fabulous homes.

6. Of course I'm not completely a self-indulgent freak. While doing all this, I'd also be:
- Setting up trust funds for my family members and (certain) friends so they would be set for life.

- Creating an educational foundation that provides scholarships and reading programs to students and teachers.

- Donating huge amounts of money to animal rescue facilities and alternative fuel technology programs.

- ~~Strongarming~~ Campaigning to get the Bush Administration charged with treason.

Three of my bad habits?
1. I'm a major procrastinator.
2. I'm a tad bit anal retentive.
3. I take forever to make up my mind about things.

Five places I have lived?
1. Various places in the South Jersey area.
2. Various places in the Philadelphia area.
3. Florence, Italy (really more like an extended holiday)
4. Sydney, Australia
5. Fort Lauderdale, Florida

Five jobs I've had?
1. Counter girl at Dip-Stix, a now defunct hot dog stand on the Atlantic City boardwalk. Great high school job. Perks included flirting with hot surfer boys and eating excessive amounts of junk food.

2. Nanny Job #1 - Sydney, Australia. I took care of a gorgeous one year old girl and her equally gorgeous three year old brother. I adored the children, but the parents treated me like an indentured servant, and so I was forced to vanish in the middle of the night after only 2 weeks, leaving only a fuck off letter behind.

3. Nanny Job #2 - Sydney, Australia. I became the caretaker of two of the brattiest pre-pubescent girls in the southern hemisphere. Surprisingly, this job lasted several months. Within weeks I had turned these miserable, unhappy brats into super-cool, helpful, laid back kids who were actually fun to be around. All was well until the ex-wife came to visit with the other half of the family - twin ten year old boys. Yes, when the parents broke up, the father took the girls and lived in Sydney and the mother took the boys and lived in Woop Woop. That's healthy - way to negotiate for the benefit of yourselves with no regard for your kids. The mother paraded around like a hippo in leotards and berated me for making the girls clean up after themselves. She believed all children should be "free to express themselves and grow on their own - without interference from society's strangleholds." Considering her twin sons were ten years old and still wore diapers, I had to disagree.
Yes, you read that right.
I left shortly after the mother's visit.

4. Executive Chef for tyrannical Greek. 'Nuff said.

5. Technical Recruiter for international temp service. Unfortunately the company didn't know squat about technical recruiting, so that made it difficult to do my work. My bosses were constantly asking me why I hadn't gotten more people jobs. Probably because I am placing people for career positions that pay 150K a year to set up entire computer networks for corporations, as opposed to placing people in one day gigs that pay $10 an hour to answer phones and chew gum. Which hiring process do you think is going to take longer, you moronic fuckwits? The commission for one of these placements alone will be more than that dumb bitch next to me will bring for the next year, so shut the fuck up.
I never actually said that to my bosses, but I really wish I had.

How did I name my blog?
Originally I had The Babbling Brooke blog. It started to creep me out how many people were searching for Brooke boobs and Brooke is a slut (shut up!), so I decided to consider a change. Also, once you become a teacher they sort of frown on the slutty big boobed thing on the internet, so I changed to Scarlet Hip. The rose (or scarlet) hip is the pomaceous fruit of the rose plant. It's very good for you, much like me.

I won't tag anyone unless they want to be tagged. Mostly cause I can't make up my mind on who to tag.

What the world needs now...

2008-05-27T19:40:00.013-04:00

Pearls Before Swine

Scenes from a first grade classroom

2008-05-22T20:12:00.006-04:00

The Players:
Ms. Woes - Moi
Class Clown - hilariously funny little boy
PITA - pain in the ass, but wildly entertaining
Sunshine - adorable little girl who is unable to hold still for more than 14 seconds at a time
Surfer Dude - once incredibly shy little boy who now has surfer hair and is all kinds of rad
Clueless - sweet little girl who spends most of the day playing with pencil shavings

Scene 1: The Classroom

Ms. Woes : OK everyone, it's time to clean up and get ready for lunch.

PITA: I wasn't finished yet! *fist raised in the air* Curse you clock!

Scene 2: Walking to the Cafeteria

(Ms Woes playfully pushes the line leader, aka the Class Clown)

Class Clown: HEY!

Ms. Woes : What?

Class Clown: You pushed me!

Ms. Woes : Did not.

Class Clown: Did too!

Ms. Woes: Did not!!

Class Clown: Did too!

Sunshine: Stop it you two! Honestly!

Ms. Woes and Class Clown: (heads down) Sorry.

Scene 3: Walking back from the Cafeteria

Surfer Dude: Ms. Woes, can I hang out at your house this weekend?

Ms. Woes: Sorry honey, afraid not.

Surfer Dude: I'd wash your car.

Ms. Woes: Hmmm, tempting

Surfer Dude: I'll even make you dinner!

Ms. Woes: Dinner? You can cook?

Surfer Dude: Yes! I will make you dinner! And chicken will be fried!

Scene 4: The Classroom

Ms. Woes: Clueless, honey, you need to put your crayons away now. We aren't going to be using them for a while.

Clueless: When I was in kindergarten, a boy was coloring his teeth. With color! Crayons! Color crayons!

Sunshine: Where did you go to kindergarten?

Scene 5: Walking in the Hallway

Sunshine: It smells weird in the hallway today.

Clueless: It smells like my cousin's feet.

Scene 6: The Classroom

Ms. Woes: PITA, someone is knocking on the door. Could you see who it is?

PITA: OK, but I'm not letting them in unless they know the password.

Ms. Woes: What's the password?

PITA: Mustard. The password is Mustard.

Happy Mother's Day

2008-05-11T13:05:00.004-04:00

Say hello to my little friend

2008-04-27T21:44:00.003-04:00

Well boys and girls, I did it. I've met the man of my dreams. He's smart, handsome, loving, and loyal. And he sits on command! He's perfect! So what if he's a sloppy kisser and only seven months old - he's the one I've been waiting for. We met this past weekend at a festival on the bay and it was love at first sight. He was working the kissing booth - also known as the table for the Humane Society - and I couldn't take my eyes off of him. All the other girls there wanted him too, but HA!!!! I won! I always did go for the pretty boys. I went to visit him today, and he was so happy to see me he almost wet himself! Actually he did wet himself, but that was a one time thing. It was clear we were meant to be. I so wanted him to come home with me today, but apparently he needs to have a little "procedure" done before he leaves his temporary digs. Ahem.

I'm thinking of calling him Riley. But I will take all suggestions until he moves his cute little tail in on Thursday.

Deca-dent

2008-04-19T10:18:00.010-04:00

I found this on someone's blog ages ago. I don't remember whose it was, but I saved it for just such an occasion (the occasion being that I can't get my head together enough to write a good post). Feel free to steal.

Deca-dent
Ten seconds ago I was taking a sip of coffee in my new office.
Ten minutes ago I was making a pot of coffee in my new kitchen.
Ten hours ago I was sleeping in my new bed in my new bedroom.
Ten days ago I was preparing to move in to my new house.
Ten weeks ago I was house hunting.
Ten months ago I moved back to Jersey to be a teacher.
Ten years ago I moved back to Jersey to be a professional chef.
----- ----- -----
Ten years from now I hope to be as happy as I am now.
Ten months from now I will be about to obtain my Master's degree.
Ten weeks from now I will be starting summer break!
Ten days from now I hope to actually start blogging on a regular basis again.
Ten hours from now I will be having Chinese food for Passover.
Ten minutes from now I will head out to spend obscene amounts of money for my new house.
Ten seconds from now I will take a sip of coffee in my new office.

I am...

2008-04-07T17:05:00.001-04:00

a homeowner.

My Future

2008-03-24T17:18:00.005-04:00

One Big Happy

Cable Lineup February-March

2008-03-18T21:32:00.005-04:00

Recent search words and phrases that landed unwitting freaks to my blog/cable network.

Lifetime

i've been a very bad girl
ive been a bad bad girl and its all because of you
10 things i hate about you fat guy
enjoying singlehood leg shaving
hot blooded man and stubborness
it's my fucking birthday

Travel TV

down by the shores of the hanky panky
boob deck on a boat
florida sucks bugs
different places been kissed
take your tongue on a sleigh ride

Playboy

lick wild
penis and vagina
small penis
unblur naked pics
naked boobage
sleepy sluts
penis touches the porcelain
titless blog
kinky hips

Food TV

hip roll
pictures of brooke bond tea
gin rules
expensive gin
greasy pancakes
what's the difference between a calzone and a wedgie

The Learning Channel

american id
who's birthday is on september 7
k is for kinky
stomach bugs best ways to flush out

Entertainment TV

gerard butler penis
gerard butler queerclick
viggo penis
gerard butler girlfriend
brooke bond nude
brooke bond sexy
erection looking at scarlett
big butt scarlett photo

The What the Fuck Network

what do people wose roses for

"I tried to push her out a window in Little Rock once."

2008-03-14T18:07:00.019-04:00

I saw this on Sizzle's blog today and being that ~~I haven't had an original thought in weeks~~ I love movies, I thought I would give it a go. Here’s how it works, should you decide to participate, too:

* Pick 15 of your favorite movies.
* Go to IMDB and find a quote from each movie.
* Post them on your blog for everyone to guess.
* Fill in the film title once it’s been guessed.

These are your rules:

* Leave your guesses in the comments.
* No Googling or using IMDB search functions. Don’t cheat!

1. "I've been specializing in groups, fighting gangs for local charities, that kind of thing."
The Princess Bride* - guessed by Rich.

2. "We're in the pipe, five by five."
Aliens - guessed by Dan-E.

3. "Do you spend time with your family? Good. Because a man that doesn't spend time with his family can never be a real man."
The Godfather - guessed by Dan-E again, and he even got the right character.

4. "Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light."
Ghostbusters - guessed by Sizz!

5. "You cannot leave everything to Fate, boy. She's got a lot to do. Sometimes you must give her a hand. "
Ever After - guessed by Princess of the Universe.

6. "How do you shoot the devil in the back? What if you miss?"
The Usual Suspects - guessed by Tim, sort of.

7. "May I have ten thousand marbles, please?"
Animal House - guessed by Todd.

8. "At least he is not a book burner, you Nazi cow."
Field of Dreams - guessed by Bill.

9. "I'd bet they're asleep in New York. I'd bet they're asleep all over America."
Casablanca - guessed by Bill again!

10. "This is good stuff. I got it from a Negro."
Caddyshack - guessed by Ubermilf.

11. "You're not getting this back. I consider it asshole tax."
Fight Club - guessed by Hilly.

12. "It vexes me. I'm terribly vexed."
Gladiator - guessed by Penelope.

13. "You Americans, you're all the same. Always overdressing for the wrong occasions."
Raiders of the Lost Ark - guessed by Nick.

14. "I shall call him squishy, and he shall be mine, and he shall be my squishy!"
Finding Nemo - guessed by Penelope again!

15. "Ned, I would love to stay here and talk with you... but I'm not going to."
Groundhog Day - guessed by guessed by Todd again!

Bonus points for getting the title.
Paper Mooon - guessed by Cajunvegan.

Ready....set ...go!

*Best. Movie. Ever.

American Idol Wrap-Up

2008-02-26T21:30:00.003-05:00

Ryan: Hello and welcome to American Idol! Look at me! Don't you think I'm fabulous? Fuck I am fabulous. Actually, I'm a no-talent fuckwit who is obviously blowing someone very important to have gotten as far as I have in Hollywood. But we'll get back to me later. Next we are going to have a singer come out and...sing.

Singer: tortures and mutilates a song while looking longingly into the camera

Audience: claps and screams wildly

Randy: alright alright alright alright. Listen man, listen up, listen to me, listen. Dawg know what I'm sayin. Dawg that was good man. Really really good. I mean, you missed some notes in the beginning and the middle was shaky and the end you sort of lost your way. But that was really good man. I'm diggin it. I can feel it. Dawg.

Audience: claps and screams wildly

Singer: Thanks man. Oh man! I feel great! That was awesome!

Ryan: Shut up dude. I didn't say you could speak yet. Paula?

Paula: You're so authentic. And so ...you. You hit notes that I didn't even know existed. The song was like...a song. It was just...I don't know what to say. I ...I ...I....I'm just confused by all the drugs. Help me.

Audience: claps and screams wildly

Singer: Oh my God! Thank you so much!

Ryan: And now we come to Simon. And we know what an asshole he is. But then again, it takes one to know one.

Simon: That was the worst piece of shit I have ever heard. Randy and Paula must be doing the same drugs. Your voice sucks. Your song choice was for shit. You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.

Audience: boos and screams wildly

Simon: Fuck you all. I'm the only one with a clue up here. Now someone get me a tighter black tee shirt please. This one is wrinkling.

Ryan: Simon is such a dick, isn't he America? Come on everyone, isn't this fun? I can be mean to Simon and you'll all cheer cause God knows it's unacceptable to actually have an opinion in this day and age. Now love me and hate him! Love me love me love me!

Simon: rolls eyes and then asks Paula what Ryan just said

Paula: Huh?

Randy: Dawg, you don't know! I'm in da house! Dawg!

Ryan to Singer: So they all thought you sucked. How do you feel?

Singer: Simon sucks!

Ryan: I know, right?!?!

Simon: Hey now, you are talking to the man who discovered Il Divo!

Ryan to Singer: So really, they all think you sucked. You must feel like shit right now. How are you going to go on from here?

Singer: Paula loved me.

Paula: Huh?

Ryan: I want to know just how horrible you feel. Really let us know how awful you feel. You're like, a total loser on national television.

Simon: Can we please move on.

Singer: Simon sucks!

Ryan: Thanks to our judges Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul! (hahahaha I don't say Simon's name! Aren't I sooooo funny!!!) I have to go find an executive's dick to suck. See you next week! Love me love me love me!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Editor's Note to the judges: The song "A Song For You" was originally written and performed by the great Leon Russell. It is not a Donnie Hathaway song. Donnie Hathaway covered it. You are supposed to be in the music business. Get a fucking clue.

Let's Talk About Sex

2008-02-04T19:29:00.000-05:00

...

umm...

OK you first.

Fun Friday

2008-01-25T19:29:00.000-05:00

Feast One Hundred & Seventy Seven From the Famous Friday's Feast

Appetizer
How many times per day do you usually laugh?
I teach first grade, so I pretty much laugh nonstop from 8:45-3:15 everyday. Think I'm kidding? Today we were writing sentences using words from the "ank" family. One of my little darlings wrote, "I stank up the bathroom." Yet another one was wearing a t-shirt with baby chicks all over it with the words "CHICK MAGNET" printed across the chest. And still another promised that if I took him home with me, he would wash his feet.

Soup
What do your sunglasses look like?
Like I ripped them right off of Jackie O's head.

Salad
You win a free trip to anywhere on your continent, but you have to travel by train. Where do you go?
I spent a lot of time on trains during my European escapades, and I can tell you that it's fun for an hour or two, but after that the novelty wears off. So I think I'll just hop a train to NYC and leave it at that.

Main Course
Name one thing you consider a great quality about living in your town/city.
The beach.

Dessert
If the sky could be another color, what color do you think would look best?
Purple!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I stole this next part from Ubermilf, who stole it from someone else, who stole it from someone else, and so on, and so on ...soon there won't be an original thought left on the whole blogosphere.

Be a rock star! Go to...

1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first article title on the page is the name of your band.

2. http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four words of the very last quote is the title of your album.

3. http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/
The third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

4. Use your graphics program of choice to throw them together, and post the result as a comment in this post.

Here is mine:

And no, I did not cheat so that I could get the name Elections in Jersey. I think the fact that my album cover has a picture of a rodent on it is proof of that.

Apologies to Madalyn B.

2008-01-21T11:15:00.000-05:00

Recently, I found a comment from a post I wrote several months ago titled Apologies to Gerard Butler. In the post, I apologize for the infamous pictures of Mr. Butler's wedgie that seem to be bringing every ~~pervert~~ interested party searching for "Gerard Butler's butt" to my blog. However, Madalyn B. does not seem to appreciate my apology in the least, and is very put off by all the subsequent creepy talk about Gerard Butler's penis*. Allow me to share her comment and my response:

MADALYN B. said...: I must say,I'm just fine with the butt scratching pics. I think it's funny & cute, but really, everyone needs to STOP talking about his penis!!! It's creepy and perverted, & you would creep the HELL out of Gerry i'm sure if you went up to him talking about his dick like that. May be the first joke is kind of funny, but they really need to stop, they get old and weird fast!!! He's a dream come true and a sweet gift from Heaven for all us girls, so just comment on suff like his movies, talent, looks, style, and of corse his humor, but not his personal buisness, really, get a life. Let it have Gerry in it, but not "TOO" much of Gerry.; January 19, 2008 10:52 PM

Cable Lineup December-January

2008-01-18T18:13:00.000-05:00

I know I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm not going to make excuses other than to say I've been busy. Being an international superspy is arduous work. Something had to give. And so the blog suffers. But alas, that hasn't stopped the freaks from tracking me down via keyword searches. Thank goodness.

The Food Network

boiling point of tampico juice
fat women stomping on grapes
men are like grapes
what will make me go poop?
you are the last drink i never should drunk
sticky toffee pudding in new jersey

The Discovery Channel

what means museltov
gay siblings
virgo indecisive
top 10 reasons why sex sucks
what is my relationship destiny

E! Entertainment News

"gerard butler's home"
gerard butler ass pic
viggo girlfriend
gerard butler penis
gerard butler rude

FOX

human for sale cup size
almost famous tattoo

Playboy

video thin titless
ball kicker girl fetish
windows naked flashing
accidental flash
circumcised men with his teeth rhyme
flashed on purpose
bolt upright and the erections
songs in the key of sex
i'm an exhibitionist flash
accidental flash girl

100,000 Served

2008-01-12T09:41:00.001-05:00

Pork Chop is very excited.

The Gratitude Campaign

2008-01-01T20:17:00.000-05:00

Spread the word.

Happy New Year!

2007-12-31T21:00:00.000-05:00

Gin Rules!

2007-12-29T00:29:00.000-05:00

Merry Chrismukkah!

2007-12-24T18:57:00.001-05:00

Card courtesy of chrismukkah.com

Overheard in my Classrom: II

2007-12-20T21:19:00.000-05:00

I don't want to go on vacation! I love school! I want to stay forever!

I want to stay until I'm 257 years old!

I want to stay until I DIE!

I want to stay until my socks get dirty.

I'mTooBusyHere'sAChristmasSong

2007-12-18T19:44:00.000-05:00

Educational Thought for the Day

2007-12-16T13:42:00.000-05:00

Friday's Feast

2007-12-14T18:40:00.000-05:00

From Friday's Feast.

Appetizer
Make up a word and give us its definition.
Batterlingus: the act of licking cake batter off the spoon.

Soup
What is currently your favorite song? Wake Up Call by Maroon 5

Salad
What’s at the top of your Christmas wish list this year? A house.

Main Course
Name a scent that reminds you of someone special in your life. I was once in love with a musician who wore Kouros by Yves Saint Laurent. Every time I smell it I go out of my mind.

Dessert
Who is someone on television that you feel probably shouldn’t be, and why? Ryan Seacrest. Why? He's an arrogant fuckwit with absolutely no talent and no personality. Also, he's a total tool.

Sock Day

2007-12-11T19:30:00.000-05:00

You Are Socks!

Cozy and warm... but easily lost.
You make a good puppet.

What Crappy Christmas Gift Are You?

nataliedee.com

New Books for Class

2007-12-09T16:00:00.000-05:00

Social Studies: Home and Family

Describe a family and give examples of your own!

Families differ in lifestyle and role expectations.

Sex Education:

Helpful guides to reproduction.

Send these books home to be read with the family!

Health & Wellness:

How to deal with problems and conflict resolution.

The dangers of alcohol.

Teachers' Guide to Behavior Management.

Now Read This

2007-12-04T16:18:00.000-05:00

It's been a long time since I read a book that has made such an impact on me. It's incredible how one woman's spiritual journey across Italy, India, and Indonesia can feel like my journey - and even better - everyone's journey. If you haven't read it, do so. While men may consider this a chick book, it's not. It's a book about transformation, inspiration, learning, balance, health, friendship, love, and food. Read it.

So, read any good books lately? Do share.

The End is Near Here

2007-11-30T16:48:00.001-05:00

30 posts in 30 days. I said I would do it, and I did. I looked at this as a challenge, a test if you will. Having started my new job only two weeks before this NaBloPoMo thing, and while working on my Master's, I managed to post every single day this month. And do you know what I learned from all this?

I can do anything I set my mind to.
I do not like posting every single day.*
I will never do it again.**
I am a dumbass.

I'm tired and would like to take a nap now.

*It really wasn't that bad.
**I'll probably do it again.

Cable Lineup - November

2007-11-29T18:10:00.000-05:00

The most recent set of words and phrases that landed unwitting freaks to my blog/cable network.

Reality TV - new!

what would 20% of adults "do for $100,000"
if i'm that great how come I'm still single
there's a village in texas that is missing its idiot
busier than a crack dealer on payday
cures for a snotty cold

Playboy

mummification-sex password
"best fuck on the planet"
dreaming about having sex on the beach
how to make flashing look accidental
see you in a bra
when men like big asses
27" bad girls pinball legs
down on the shore of the hanky panky
naked boobage

Lifetime

"You can only find happiness when you stop looking for it."
ive been a bad girl and still am
too picky for a boyfriend
his skirt dance role reversal
fat cheeks when smile
how to darken nipples
scarlett big butt

Food Network

coffee and cigarettes diet
what do we call the fruits of the wild rose
kiss the cook apron
rosehip.gin
dill clown tkam
what do rose hips taste like?

Gerard Butler TV

gerard butler - page 51 of the search, this person really delved deep
gerard butler butt
gerard butler butt image
gerard butler's penis
gerard butler's ass
"gerard butler penis size" - it should be noted that because this was in quotation marks, my blog was the only one to come up in the search. I'm so very proud.
girls linked to gerard butler
brooke sucks
brooke needs
viggo's girlfriend in 2007

Religious TV - new!

what does museltov mean?
KIN AHORA
ghetto fabulous christian according to the bible

Overheard in my Classroom

2007-11-28T19:09:00.000-05:00

Ewwwww!

What's the matter?

She put that money in hew mouth! You nevew put money in youw mouth!

He's right, honey. You shouldn't put money in your mouth. That's good advice.

Why not?

Money is diwty!

Yes, money is dirty.

What's advice?

Advice is like a suggestion, something that can help you.

I know thome advithe! Newer go outside without your thockth.

OK, yes. That is good advice. Does anyone else have any advice?

I have purple socks on!

My socks have holes.

Thanks for sharing. No, you don't need to take off your shoes to show us. We believe you.

My grandfather has a HUGE refrigerator!

OK then. Anyone else have any advice for the class before we move on?

Yah! I have advice. Nevah mawwy youw cousin.

Right, let's clean up and get weady...I mean ready...for lunch.

A Victim of No Child Left Behind

2007-11-27T16:59:00.001-05:00

39 Questions

2007-11-26T17:21:00.000-05:00

1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?
I cut my hand open while butterflying a chicken breast. My stupidity earned me eight stitches and huge bragging rights in the male-dominated kitchen I was working in at the time.

2. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
My own home. And a man. And a puppy.
Pretty much in that order.

3. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
9:23 pm on a Tuesday evening.

4. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
It's a tie between my Easy Bake Oven and my Barbie Camper Van.

5. THE BEST TV SHOW EVER CREATED:
Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

6. THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO?
My mother. I took her dinner order. If I don't get a life soon I'll be answering this question with the words My therapist for the rest of my life.

7. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
I do. I'm a big sissy. Hold me.

8. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
Someone completely unworthy.

9. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE?
All of them. It's where I store all my wisdom. There is no way they are coming out.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOGNE / PERFUME?
Whatever Gerard Butler wears is fine with me.

11. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
I like dark hair and light eyes, but that is not set in stone.

12. WOULD YOU RATHER BE SMART OR FUNNY?
This implies that I am neither. I take offense to this question.

13. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINKS?
Since when isn't coffee an energy drink?

14. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
The hazelnut gelato at Perché No in Florence, Italy.
You said anything.

15. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD?
The list of possibilities is endless.

16. DO YOU SPEAK ANOTHER LANGUAGE?
I speak fluent six year old.

17. DO YOU LIKE SOMEONE?
I do I do! I'll pass you a note in study hall and tell you all about him!

18. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
You mean fall in love with someone completely unavailable? Who couldn't return my love? Who would only break my heart and abandon me, leaving me behind in a broken heap? Who would do that to themselves?

19. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU?
I like to call him names, kick him in the shin, and then run away screeching at the top of my lungs. After which my girlfriends and I giggle wildly and crank call his house.

20. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST?
The asshole who parks in the illegal spot in front of Wawa everyday making it impossible to turn the corner without driving into oncoming traffic. I hope he gets a hemorrhoid from sitting there.

21. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE U.S.?
Many many times. I think it should be a requirement of all American citizens to get the fuck out of this country so that they can see that there is a great big world out there, and that it doesn't revolve around the U.S.

22. YOUR WEAKNESSES?
Dimples and six pack abs.

23. IF YOU COULD GET PLASTIC SURGERY WHAT WOULD IT BE?
I'd like to be made into Angelina Jolie.

24. WHY DID YOU FILL OUT THIS SURVEY?
I did it for Princess. It's always a good idea to suck up to royalty.

25. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT?
I'm single and 42. You do the math.

26. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
My megawatt smile and razor sharp wit.

27. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ALCOHOL BECAME ILLEGAL?
I don't understand the question.

28. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT?
No more than 18 is best.
Oh wait, that's not what you meant...

29. WHERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
My mother wanted to name me after my Aunt Fannie. Thank you dad.

30. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY?
As I stated before, I'm a big sissy. I cry on a fairly regular basis. Sappy commercials. Random acts of kindness. Puppies. Rereading Charlotte's Web. Gerard Butler's abs in 300. Pretty much anything can set me off.

31. ANY BAD HABITS?
Absolutely not. I'm a complete delight.

32. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Absolutely. I'm a complete delight.

33. DO YOU KNOW ANYONE FAMOUS?
I know lots of famous people.
Oh, you meant do they know me back...

34. DO LOOKS MATTER?
To me? Seriously, is this your first time here?

35. HOW DO YOU RELEASE YOUR ANGER?
I take it out on Todd.

36. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY?
No, I am very wary of whom I trust. This is because I am a rotten judge of character.

37. FAVORITE THOUGHT PROVOKING SONG:
Milkshake. I mean, she's really not talking about her milkshake, now is she.

38. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
The last day of school.

39. FAVORITE EXPRESSION?
Shut up!

Mmmm Mmmm Gross

2007-11-25T10:00:00.000-05:00

nataliedee.com

I decided early on that I was going to try something different with my Thanksgiving dinner this year - I was going to experiment with some new recipes. Now as some of you know, in my former career I was a professional chef. I have always been one who made every single aspect of my Thanksgiving meal from scratch using only the best and freshest ingredients. But this year I decided that I was going to attempt some tried and true recipes that the everyday people of my country seem to swear by with a vengeance. So I spent the better part of the week before Turkey day trolling the internet for classic recipes for Candied Yams, Corn Puddin', and Green Bean Casserole.

I decided to steer clear of the "chef" sites such as FoodTV and Martha, and instead wanted to find the delights that the typical housewife in America was sharing with her compatriots. The recipes required ingredients that as a former professional chef I thought I would never use in my lifetime, but that made it even more exciting for me. For example, I actually purchased canned yams this year. Up until now I had never even seen a canned yam. The texture was one I had never encountered before in any of the food groups. However, after suitably mashing them to a pulp, drowning them in maple syrup and brown sugar, and then covering them with the required mini-marshmallows - I had the all-American candied yams I have heard so much about. They were indeed a tasty treat. Thank you Linda from Albuquerque.

The corn pudding casserole from Dawn in West Virginia was also a hit. I appreciate her boldness in not holding back on either the butter or the sour cream. There is still quite a bit left in my refrigerator and by Monday the consistency should be just perfect for spackling my bathroom. I did use my own recipes for sausage and mushroom stuffing, garlic mashed potatoes, and cranberry sauce only because they are so ingrained in my head that looking up other recipes for them would have been a waste of time. Also certain family members would have beaten me to death with frozen drumsticks if I messed with those recipes. But - I did buy two cans of "cranberry jelly" for my nephew - who ate both of them before the meal was even served. I searched wildly for new ways to roast Mr. Turkey, but most of them were just variations of the same theme, and basically all would have resulted in a bird that would be so overcooked that the breast meat could be served next year as turkey-jerky. I chose to stick to my own method for the bird.

I have to admit my excitement when it came time to make the world famous green bean casserole that I have been hearing about throughout my lifetime. Yes, you read that correctly. I have never made, eaten, seen, or smelled the casserole that consists of canned green beans, cream of mushroom soup, and French fried onions. I have always made fresh green beans almondine, or broccoli with lemon butter, or grilled asparagus with a citrus marinade, or a lovely display of fresh cut vegetables to nibble on during the big feast. I admit I was ecstatic to simply dump three ingredients into a casserole and be done with it. I felt so American, so womanly, so a part of things. I now was a true member of the American culture that is Thanksgiving.

And may I say OH. MY. GOD. I haven't been this disappointed in the tastes of the American public since the axis of evil took over the White House. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you people. It was the most disgusting mass of grossness in the history of ickiness. It was a pimple on the ass of my perfect meal. It was a horror show in the midst of dulcet loveliness. It was shock and awe of Bush proportions.

Never again will those ingredients be welcome in my home. Never! Thanks for nothing Tammy in San Antonio! Good day to you, Tammy! I said good day!

Beauty is Pain

2007-11-24T11:23:00.000-05:00

I'm getting a mani-pedi today. My nails look positively monstrous!

They like me! They really like me!

2007-11-23T13:05:00.000-05:00

Happy Turkey Day Everyone!

2007-11-22T09:26:00.000-05:00

Holidays getting you down?

2007-11-21T16:48:00.000-05:00

Family driving you crazy this Thanksgiving? Is the pressure getting to you? Take it out on someone who really deserves it. Beat the hell out of your Bush Bopper!

Thanksgiving Advice from Miss Manners

2007-11-20T17:55:00.000-05:00

An excerpt from Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior. If you don't have this book then run - don't walk - to your nearest bookstore and purchase it immediately. Or just buy it online by clicking the link.

Dear Miss Manners:
Are there any special rules for the eating of Thanksgiving dinner, or is it like any other big lunch or dinner?

Gentle Reader:
Yes, and yes. Thanksgiving dinner is like any other big lunch or dinner, only worse. The special rules are that several ordinary rules can, in fact must, be violated. It is held at a dreadful hour in the early afternoon, because a turkey must be cooked for many hours (and doesn't taste like much even then)*, and also so that many of the guests will eventually leave the table to watch football on television, which would be a rudeness at any other occasion but is a relief at Thanksgiving and probably the only way to get those people to budge. Next, excessive quantities of food must not only be served, but be urged with great emotional arguments on guests who have long since become uncomfortably bloated. Polite behavior on the part of guests involves literally eating themselves sick. They are also expected to hang around long after the children have gotten cross and the hosts are ready for a nap. All this makes for an unspeakable day, but who are we to argue with the wisdom of the Pilgrims?

*I disagree with Miss Manners here. Turkey tastes terrific!

Love to eat turkey!

2007-11-19T16:43:00.000-05:00

How do I love thee Thanksgiving? Let me count the ways...

I love that Thanksgiving is a national holiday with no twisted religious aspects attached to it. Yes I am aware of the fact that the pilgrims came here so they could worship as they pleased, I'm a first grade teacher after all, but that wasn't the real reason behind the actual day of thanks.

I love that it's a day of appreciation that everyone can be involved in, even if they are not American. No matter how bad things are, there is always something to be thankful for.

I love that it's a day for family and friends.

I love that I get to do my favorite things - cook, eat, and watch football. Hopefully next year I'll get to do another of my favorite things too.

I love that after I do all the cooking I can relax while everyone else has to clean up. And watch more football.

I love the smells of the food and the fireplaces and the cold in the air.

I love that I'm back in the Northeast so I can have a fire going in the fireplace.

I love the feeling of belonging, that everyone in every house around me is doing the exact same thing.

I love that I am no longer a professional chef, so I have the day off.

I love the Adam Sandler Thanksgiving song.

The truth hurts

2007-11-18T17:04:00.000-05:00

Every now and then I hear a quote from a movie that rings so true for me that it is almost painful. The other night while watching The Holiday, I had one of those moments. It's not easy to admit that a piece of silly fluff such as this had a line that almost caused me to fall over with the sheer simplicity of its truth, but that's what blogs are for.

In the movie, Iris (Kate Winslet) is an Englishwoman who, in a completely improbable set of circumstances, switches houses for a few weeks with an American woman named Amanda (Cameron Diaz). Iris's primary reason for doing such a thing is to get away from an extremely unhealthy and dysfunctional relationship, a situation that I am all too familiar with. While having dinner with Amanda's charming elderly neighbor, Arthur, Iris learns the key to her problems with her life.

Arthur: Iris, in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend.

Iris: You're so right. You're supposed to be the leading lady of your own life, for god's sake! Arthur, I've been going to a therapist for three years, and she's never explained things to me that well. That was brilliant. Brutal, but brilliant.

Wow. Yes! You are supposed to be the leading lady of your own life! Thank you! I have never been one to want to draw attention to myself - in both my personal and professional lives. I can't tell you how many times have I acquiesced to someone else so that I don't step on toes or hurt feelings. But now I see that it's alright for me to call attention to myself. I don't have to stand back and give others the spotlight. I can take credit when I have earned it. I can enjoy attention from others even if it means someone else will not be the center of attention for a while. It's OK to be the star of my own life!

At least I didn't spend three years in therapy for this.

Thanks Arthur!

Saturday Song

2007-11-17T14:17:00.000-05:00

Throw Your Arms Around Me by Hunters & Collectors.
An Australian anthem. You can't go to a pub without hearing this song, everyone with their arms around each other's shoulders swaying in a drunken love fest. Gives me goosebumps just thinking of it. The video is cheesy and the dubbing not so in sync, but the song is golden.

Friday's Feast

2007-11-16T18:00:00.000-05:00

Friday's Feast 169

I've succumbed to the Friday Feast. I've seen this posted on the lovely Spinning Girl's blog and I have tried to resist, but my will is broken and my brain is fried. Also, I'll do anything for food.

Appetizer
What was your first “real” job? I worked at a hot dog stand on the Atlantic City Boardwalk called "Dip-Stix". Shut up.

Soup
Where would you go if you wanted to spark your creativity? For a walk on the beach.

Salad
Complete this sentence: I am embarrassed when…ever the president opens his mouth.

Main Course
What values did your parents instill in you? A strong work ethic. Common sense. Independence. A moral center. Empathy. A nonjudgmental attitude. Open-mindedness. A love of reading. To not be afraid of new things. A healthy sense of humor.

Dessert
Name 3 fads from your teenage years.

Opalescent lipstick
Scrunchy socks worn over leggings
Big hair

Animals in the News

2007-11-15T17:12:00.000-05:00

Man fleeing police killed by alligator in Dade pond: It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Super Gator!

Giant German Rabbits feed the poor: Mama's wittle baby woves wabbit, wabbit, Mama's wittle baby woves wabbit stew.

Cows flee after seeing McDonald's: Clearly they realized they were not about to get a happy meal.

Will doughnut trap lure mystery animal?: It's a bird! It's a plane! It's a big orange ball of fur!

Man in India marries dog as atonement: No, seriously.

Ignorance

2007-11-14T18:06:00.000-05:00

Sadly, ignorance is not as funny as Calvin and Hobbes make it out to be. Lately it seems as if the ignorance and hate in the world is so prevalent that there is no getting away from it, not even here in blogland. Maybe I'm a Pollyanna. Maybe I think that deep down everyone means well. Is good inside. Can see the difference between right and wrong. But now I realize I'm wrong. The ignorance in this world is so prevalent, so hateful, that I actually feel the need to scrape myself off in the shower to wash away my disgust and disappointment. It saddens me that people can look at things in such a black and white manner, spout poison, and then claim it to be in the name of their religion or nationality.

At least I have Calvin and Hobbes.

Edutopia's Pop Quiz Meme

2007-11-13T18:08:00.000-05:00

It's Meme time! In honor of American Education Week, I am posting this educational meme. Fine, so it's not an educational meme, but actually a meme about education. You say potato...I say shut the fuck up. Thank you to Cajunvegan, fellow educator and NaBloPoMo contributor.

-----------------------------------------------------------

What is your idea of a perfect teacher?
Someone who makes you want to come to school no matter how rotten you feel.

What was your most memorable school experience?
When I was picked to be a co-captain of the safety patrol in fifth grade. They had never had two co-captains before, and they had never had a girl in a captain position before. I broke the safety patrol glass ceiling! Runner up: graduating from college at the tender age of 39.

What was your favorite subject?
French. Shut up.

What was the low point of your school career?
It's a toss-up between when my perverted Geometry teacher made up a song about me that he sang to me in front of the class every single day of my freshman year - or when my perverted Humanities teacher told me that the autobiography I wrote wasn't "personal enough" because I didn't write about boys or sex.

Did you go to public or private school?
Public.

Where did you fit in your schools' social hierarchies?
I was at the top of the heap. Sadly, as popular as I was, I still couldn't get a date with a high school boy to save my life. Thank goodness for college boys.

If you could change one thing about education in America, what would it be?
That the teaching profession get the same respect - and pay - of other professions.

What should they teach that they don't teach now?
Organizational skills and time management.

What is impossible to learn in school?
Physics. No wait... that's just me.

What did you learn today?
I learned that six year olds have a difficult time counting by threes.

What did you teach?
How to count by threes.

What is in your dream lunch box?
A turkey provolone sub, potato chips, and diet root beer.

If you wrote a textbook, what would it be called?
How to do Everything My Way.

If the prom were tomorrow, whom would you take?
My current movie star boyfriend.

First graders comment on Veterans Day

2007-11-12T15:05:00.000-05:00

In Word War 2, we beat up the Germies.

My Aunt is joining the Submarines.

We have to honor the veterans cause they fight for us and take care of our animals.

My dad went to Iraq cause those terrors knocked over our buildings.

War is bad. Whoever starts one* should be punished.

*"I fully understand those who say you can't win this thing militarily. That's exactly what the United States military says, that you can't win this military." --George W. Bush, on the need for political progress in Iraq, Washington, D.C., Oct. 17, 2007

If I Were in Charge of the NFL

2007-11-11T12:04:00.000-05:00

Ever since I was a little girl with four big brothers in the house, I have been a football fan. It's not like I had much choice. If you weren't watching football on Sundays in the fall at my house, you were persona non grata. My father, who worked six and a half days a week at his store, was always home in time for kick-off. My mother could, and still can, tell you the name and history of almost every coach in the league. We weren't one of those families that was obsessed with a certain team, or with the stats of the players, we simply enjoyed the game.

The game has changed over the years. Much more money is attached to it now, and the players (as a whole) seem more interested in calling attention to themselves than being part of a team. This is why I need to take over. Much like my "If I Were in Charge of the World" posts one and two, where I proclaim how I will clean up the world, it is now time for me to clean up the NFL. So here is a list of things that would change if I had Roger Goodell's job. Which I should.

This battle between the NFL and Time Warner - over. Grow up assholes. Everything you both have is because of the fans. It is time to start catering to them and not to your own tremendous greed and massive egos. I don't care who is right, who is wrong, or who wants to be the first to bend over and take it like the men you claim to be. Let it go.

The NFL and the team owners will cover the cost of their own stadiums - not the taxpayers. How the hell you have managed to convince cities to cover your costs is beyond me, but the buck stops here. Billionaires should pay their own bills.

Players, I have a little reminder for you. Playing in the NFL is a privilege, not a right. You are an employee just like the majority of the population. You play for your team, the owner, your coach, your fans, and the NFL. You are answerable to others. The team, the owner, your coach, your fans, the NFL - they all have the right to question your actions - on and off the field. You are lucky to be getting paid to do the job you do. You are role models to children. You need to start stepping up and acting like it. If you would like an example of how to be a class act on and off the field, then study this man carefully. If you do not like the fact that people have expectations of your behavior, then get another job. You have college degrees, finding another job should be a piece of cake.

In continuing with the concept discussed above, players will sign a very stringent "Code of Conduct" clause attached to their contracts for behavior on and off the field. Oh I know there is one now, but it doesn't seem to be working very well. So here is the deal. If you do not follow the Code of Conduct, you are fired. Period. No review. No fine. No long tedious examining process. Breaking the Code is like breaking your contract. You break it, you buy it.

You cheat - you're fired. Period. Bye bye Belichick. Enjoy life in the private sector.

That's all for now. I'm sure I'll think of more as the season continues.

Saturday Musical Interlude

2007-11-10T14:00:00.000-05:00

My favorite song. Ever. While there are many songs that I love, none have ever knocked The Boys of Summer from the top spot of my list. It is at once nostalgic, heartbreaking, inspiring, and gorgeous.

I am a Busy Bee!

2007-11-09T18:04:00.000-05:00

I am! I am! I am so very busy these days! I'm busier than a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest. Than a crack dealer on payday. Than a Mormon at a wife swapping party. Than a ...OK I'm out. You get the picture.

So why am I so busy? Well, my new job is taking up a great deal of my time. I'm learning a whole new curriculum. I've got whole new set of rules, regulations, and policies (ie: bullshit) to figure out. And then there are the personalities of dozens of co-workers as well 18 little rugrats to get to know. Couple that with the fact that I am now in my second class for my graduate degree - A in my first class! - and you can see where I might be too tired to do anything else.

Funny thing about that though. I'm not. Too tired to do anything else I mean. In fact, I have more energy than ever. I have gotten more accomplished this past month when I have had absolutely no time than I did all summer when I had all the time in the world. I'm going out every weekend and finding that I have more friends back here than I even realized. I'm filling my days with things to do instead of lying around waiting for things to happen. I wake up early on my days off because I don't want to sleep my day away. I could be wrong, but I think I have become a productive member of society.

Lucille Ball once said, "If you want something done, ask a busy person to do it." Busy people get things done, which is almost redundant if you read that out loud. This is why I committed to blog every day this month - because I am busier than ever. It's why I will look to finally buy my first home even though I barely have time to breathe, because there is no better time than now. It's why this is the time for me to find that special someone, because I simply don't have the time for someone else - yet somehow I will. It's why I feel happier than I have in a very, very long time.

Life is good when you're a busy bee.

Ten Words that I can't say without giggling

2007-11-08T13:46:00.000-05:00

Underpants

Doily

Pudding

Fuckerdoodle

Wifflejunk

Smock

Squid

Galoshes

Kumquat

Balls

Look I'm an artist!

2007-11-07T21:32:00.000-05:00

Today, I am expressing myself through art. This is my work, worth approximately the cost of a couple hours of internet time.

This is Jackson Pollock's work, worth approximately a couple hundred million dollars.

I see no reason why I won't be very rich, very soon.

May be subject to misinterpretation

2007-11-06T17:37:00.001-05:00

Public Question No. 4 of the New Jersey Ballot this year

CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT CONCERNING THE RIGHT TO VOTE FOR CERTAIN PERSONS

Shall the amendment of Article II, Section I, paragraph 6 of the Constitution, agreed to by the Legislature, revising the current constitutional language concerning denial of the right to vote by deleting the phrase “idiot or insane person” and providing instead that a “person who has been adjudicated by a court of competent jurisdiction to lack the capacity to understand the act of voting” shall not enjoy the right of suffrage, be adopted?

INTERPRETATIVE STATEMENT

Approval of this amendment concerning the denial of the right to vote would delete the phrase “idiot or insane person” and replace that phrase with “person who has been adjudicated by a court of competent jurisdiction to lack the capacity to understand the act of voting” in describing those persons who shall be denied the right to vote. The phrase “idiot or insane person” is outdated, vague, offensive to many, and may be subject to misinterpretation. This constitutional amendment acknowledges that individuals with cognitive or emotional disabilities may otherwise be capable of making decisions in the voting booth and that their right of self-determination should be respected and protected in this regard. The amendment only denies the right of suffrage to those individuals determined by a court, on a case-by-case basis, to lack the capacity to understand the act of voting.

Now I realize that this is dealing with an important and sensitive issue, but I found the entire thing hilarious. Especially the "may be subject to misinterpretation" and the "lack the capacity to understand the act of voting" bits. Let's face it, if only we had denied the right to vote to all the idiots who lacked the capacity to understand the act of voting in the last two presidential elections, we wouldn't have such an idiot in the White House.

"My job is a decision-making job, and as a result, I make a lot of decisions." --George W. Bush, Lancaster, Pa., Oct. 3, 2007

The Ladies' Man

2007-11-05T18:48:00.000-05:00

Today at dismissal, two of my boys were fighting. They are best friends, so it was really "Just play fighting, Ms. Woes!" Of course I had to find out what they were fighting over, so I asked them why they felt the need to repeatedly smack each other upside the head.

Ms. Woes: Why do you feel the need to repeatedly smack each other upside the head?

Boy 1: He called me a ladies' man!

Gym teacher standing nearby: coughs and turns away to hide his laughing.

Ms. Woes: Do you know what a ladies' man is?

Boy 1: No.

Boy 2: No.

Ms. Woes: You don't even know what you are fighting over! Just shake hands and stop hitting each other over nonsense.

Boy 1 and Boy 2: shake hands and make friends again.

Nosy Loudmouth Second Grader standing nearby: A ladies' man is a boy who all the girls like and want to kiss!

Boy 1 and Boy 2: scream out EWWWWWWW! and commence smacking each other upside the head as the Gym Teacher and I collapse in giggles.

Dad

2007-11-04T12:13:00.000-05:00

Today would have been my father's 84th birthday. My father and I did not have an easy time of it, but I do not choose to dwell on the negative aspects of our relationship.

I found a picture of us from my second birthday party(I would have posted it here, but I'm afraid someone will steal it and put it on one of those retro cards). I am sitting at the table with friends and family around me digging into their birthday cake. In the background is my father. The cake in his hand has not been touched. He is completely focused on me, love and pride all over his face. Sadly, I am not facing him. The picture represents everything about our relationship. My dad's love only showing when I am not looking. If only I could have seen this look on his face while he was still alive, just once, our relationship would have been so much different. I'm just grateful that somebody captured it on film.

This is how I choose to remember him. Happy birthday, Dad.

Crushed

2007-11-03T14:10:00.000-04:00

It was ten years ago that I was having a drink with a friend at a local watering hole when I saw him for the first time. What was that! we both exclaimed simultaneously. He was blond and blue eyed and beautiful. Someone introduced us. It wasn't long before we realized that we had both grown up in the same small town, knew all the same people, had been born only four days apart, but had never even heard of each other. I remember thinking that was impossible, everyone knew me. He said the same about himself.

He was charming, sweet, and perfect. He owned his own business. His own home. Drove a truck. Had a dog. He was an everyman, and exactly the kind of guy a girl is looking for, even when she didn't know she was looking. My beeper went off twice while talking to him, and he figured rightly that I was seeing someone else. He left without asking for my number.

Over the years we would run into each other on a regular basis. Sometimes he would be happy to see me, so much so that I would crush on him all over again. We would really talk to each other, telling each other things so personal that it was surprising to both of us. Other times it was as if he didn't even know me. I, of course, took this personally. Did I offend him the last time I saw him? Was he embarrassed by how much he had revealed about himself to me? Was he annoyed that our timing always seemed to be off? I had let him know my relationship was over. Had I read all the signals wrong? Was all of this in my head?

Even when I moved away he was in the back of my mind. Unfinished business. The wondering of what might have been. I would jokingly ask my friends back home if they had seen "my future husband" lately. When I would come home for visits I would inevitably run into him, and each time my heart would flutter. There was still something there. I knew he had a serious girlfriend, but always in the back of my mind there was that thought that we were not really ... done with each other... that maybe we would even end up together. He represented everything I was looking for: stable, kind, self-made, ambitious, attractive, easy going, fun. I was willing to wait for him to find his way to me.

Last night while having a drink with a friend (different friend, different bar) we got onto the topic of crushes. She pointed out a guy she had been crushing on for ten years, and I confessed my ten year crush as well. She asked who he was, and I told her. Her mouth dropped open. She is friends with his girlfriend.

Shit! I thought. I never should have said anything.

There's someone you should know about him, she told me.

Oh no, I thought, no no no. He's getting married. It's done. I missed my window - again. I braced myself for the news.

He's a fucking mess. On major medications - and he doesn't always take them when he is supposed to. Bipolar, manic depressive, serious serious issues. She has her hands full with him. She doesn't know what he's going to be like from one day to the next. And she is a total enabler- her last boyfriend was an alcoholic and drug addict. It's no wonder they are together, they are perfect for each other.

So much explained in a few short sentences. Ten years of seeing things one way suddenly wiped clean to expose a new and stunning truth. I had never seen the real picture. I had never seen the real him.

This was not the ending I had expected.

The Blog Interview Interrogation

2007-11-02T16:42:00.000-04:00

Blog: So it's about time you came back.

Scarlet Hip: Well thank you.

B: Where the fuck have you been?

SH: Do you mind? This is a family site.

B: No it's not.

SH: I've been busy.

B: Doing what?

SH: Well, for one thing I got a new job.

B: Please tell me you're not still a teacher. I'm so tired of those cutesy kid stories.

silence

B: So were you able to get a job teaching first grade again? I know that was your favorite!

SH: Yes, I did. It's really quite amazing actually. It's almost impossible to get a job teaching the same grade level when you move to a ...

B: So that's it? You got a job and you think that's enough reason to abandon me?

SH: I'm also studying for my Master's, so that is taking up a lot of my...

B: Master's in what? I know it's not in writing.

silence

B: Master's in what? That sounds very exciting!

SH: It is actually! Only a few years ago I didn't even have an Associate's degree. Now I am on my way to having a Master's!

B: Uh huh.

SH: You don't really care about any of this, do you?

B: Never let it be said that your powers of observation are lacking.

SH: Nice.

B: So you really think you can post everyday for a month?

SH: Absolutely!

B: I give it a week before you're posting your grocery list.

SH: You really are a bitch.

B: Do you mind? This is a family site.

NaBloPoMo

2007-11-01T19:45:00.000-04:00

Today is the start of National Blog Posting Month - otherwise known as NaBloPoMo '07. The basic concept behind NaBloPoMo is to post every single day for the month of November. That's pretty much it. I thought it would take longer to describe it but apparently not. There may be some prizes involved but I'm not sure - I didn't really look into this too deeply. I've wanted to do this in the past but something always seemed to get in the way. For example, I was unable to participate in the NaBloPoMo of '05 because nobody told me about it. Also, I'm not really sure that there even was one in '05. I missed out on the NaBloPoMo of '06 because I think I was busy doing stuff. However, I am now throwing my hat into the NaBloPoMo ring of '07. It's all very exciting.

I am doing this because A. I have been a fuck-all lazy blogger of late and 2. How in the world can I expect my movie star boyfriends to find me if I don't keep this blog updated on a regular basis. If Viggo Mortensen decides to find out who his girlfriend is this year, it's important that he get this information directly from me. If Gerard Butler wants to learn more about the size of his penis, then I feel that the particulars should come from someone who is willing to explore this topic in depth. If nothing else, I am a dedicated and loyal make-believe girlfriend.

I figure I'll run out of things to say by about mid-month, at which point I will commence posting pictures of kittens and lists of things that piss me off.

Stay tuned.

I've been busy

2007-10-21T21:36:00.000-04:00

Cable Lineup September/October

2007-10-13T11:26:00.000-04:00

The most recent set of words and phrases that landed unwitting freaks to my blog/cable network.

The Discovery Channel

what is museltov
help! i'm being ostracized at work
i'm a girl 18 never really dated till blind date how could i lose my virginity that way
What other haircolor would a medium brown haired, brown eyed girl look best in?
can a sociopath be loyal and honest
does the ubie create a strong smell (you'll have to ask the Ubermilf herself, but my guess is the smell is lovely)
Nick Sucks Ass (Hey Nick, your mom was looking for you)

Gerard Butler TV

does gerard butler like women in vests
gerard butler's buzzcut
gerard butler womanizing
Gerard Butler pectoral implants
gerard butler butt pic
gerard butler nude pix
gerard butler's penis
gerard butler and his enormous penis (Gerard, I'm number one for this one - you owe me)
gerard butler said i'm not gay
want to fuck Gerard Butler
does gerard butler have a tattoo?

Scarlet Hip TV

frog hips
what is a little wild rose hip for
There goes my hip!
rosehip gin
rose hip bush
hip middle names
scarlett's big butt

Halloween Channel

outer space vixen costume
seams around hips mermaid
James Bond vixen costumes

Lifetime

i know i've been a real bad girl
chloroform soaked rag
i want to get a tattoo for my future husband
getting a buttler

The Nature Channel

organic condos post comments
i´m sorry i flush you fishi
prickly rose
wild rose plant

The Travel Channel

A village in Texas is missing its idiot
shit to do at 5:55 on a tuesday in florida
sydney hip restaurants
florida keys cigars
florida sucks hurricanes crocodiles
satans slaves bradford
man diego
henky penky amsterdam
biker bar amsterdam

The Learning Channel

spelling bubbie
frog scorpion fairytale
knock on wood ocd
education power words
the name of my future husband
the giving tree shel silverstein tattoo

Playboy

cake fucking
fucking cakes
titty tv
stop obsessing over porn
" l is for luscious"
augment penis
what places guys like to be kissed
scarlett poem's twat
crack my future
boobs xx tv
accidental nudity at the beach
pelosi boobs
bras and oops they did it again

Tuesday Ten #8

2007-10-09T12:06:00.000-04:00

Ten Dumb Blogthing Names

Your Pirate Name Is...

Skull Crusher Hook-Handed Helen

What's Your Pirate Name?

Your Outrageous Name is:

Candy Yass

Outrageous Name Generator

Your Adult Film Star Name Is...

Sindee Slickbooty

What's Your Adult Film Star Name?

Your Superhero Profile

Your Superhero Name is The Seagoing Wombat
Your Superpower is Unexplained
Your Weakness is Cold Weather
Your Weapon is Your Foam Bazooka
Your Mode of Transportation is Snowshoes

What's your Superhero Name?

Your Vampire Name Is...

Seductress of Prussia

What's Your Vampire Name?

Your Elf Name Is...

Twinkles Sweet Cheeks

What's Your Elf Name?

Your Hippie Chick Name Is:

Tranquilla

Hippie Chick Name Generator

Your Drag Queen Name Is:

Ophelia Cox

Drag Queen Name Generator

Your Wrestler Name Is...

Jade Wildcat

What's Your Wrestler Name?

Your Celebrity Baby Name Is...

Caledonia Moxie

What's Your Celebrity Baby Name?

Your Old Fashioned Name Is...

Charity Rippringham

What's Your Old Fashioned Name?

WWJD

2007-10-07T11:49:00.000-04:00

I have a serious question about religion. OK, actually I have three.

I promise you that I am not trying to be simplistic, disrespectful, or inflammatory. I really am interested to know if anyone has the answer to these questions.

Recently, a born-again Christian spent the better part of the day trying to convert me. I realize that it's her duty to convert anyone who hasn't seen the light, and so I was patient with her and didn't beat her to death with a heavy object. Instead, I told her I would consider it if she could answer my three simple questions.

I'm Jewish. So was Jesus. Why do you want to convert me to a religion other than the one your Lord and Savior practiced? And he didn't just practice Judaism, he was a Rabbi. So I can't help but think that leaving the religion he himself taught to others would be extremely disrespectful.

If you love Jesus so much, shouldn't you be the one converting to the religion he was born into and taught to others? To me that would seem to be the way to really show your love for him. He's a nice Jewish boy, it's the least you can do!

Finally, since Jesus was Jewish- and the son of God - then does that mean that God is Jewish? I mean really, would God impregnate a girl who didn't share his religion? That would be kind of blasphemous, wouldn't it?

My potential converter could not answer my questions. Can anyone answer these without becoming completely rabid or condemning me to hell*?

Thank you.

*Thank God Jews don't believe in hell.

Tuesday Ten #8

2007-10-01T23:53:00.000-04:00

Ten classic Bushisms regarding education and children
Not including his most recent gaffe which you can see here.

"I mean, there needs to be a wholesale effort against racial profiling, which is illiterate children." --George W. Bush, second presidential debate, Oct. 11, 2000

"Laura and I really don't realize how bright our children is sometimes until we get an objective analysis." --George W. Bush, CNBC, April 15, 2000

"Reading is the basics for all learning." --George W. Bush, announcing his "Reading First" initiative in Reston, Va., March 28, 2000

"Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" --George W. Bush, Florence, South Carolina, Jan. 11, 2000

"I want it to be said that the Bush administration was a results-oriented administration, because I believe the results of focusing our attention and energy on teaching children to read and having an education system that's responsive to the child and to the parents, as opposed to mired in a system that refuses to change, will make America what we want it to be — a more literate country and a hopefuller country." —George W. Bush, Jan. 11, 2001

"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.'' —George W. Bush, Feb. 21, 2001

"The public education system in America is one of the most important foundations of our democracy. After all, it is where children from all over America learn to be responsible citizens, and learn to have the skills necessary to take advantage of our fantastic opportunistic society." —George W. Bush, May 1, 2002

"As Luce reminded me, he said, without data, without facts, without information, the discussions about public education mean that a person is just another opinion." —George W. Bush, Jacksonville, Florida, Sept. 9, 2003

"Then you wake up at the high school level and find out that the illiteracy level of our children are appalling." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 23, 2004

"I want to thank you for the importance that you've shown for education and literacy." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., April 13, 2005

Just Say Woah

2007-09-28T21:47:00.000-04:00

People, I have a confession. I have an addiction. I know I know, it's shameful and humiliating, but it's true. Despite the fact that I'm usually able to control my illicit and unsavory needs, every few years I break down and practically offer up my first born for that one little taste. For some 25 years now I've been strung out on the sweet stuff. And now the urge is calling again. I can hear it in my dreams....woooooahhh....woooahhhh...wooooahhhh.....

I'm so addicted I've sunk to the bottom of the barrel - whoring my blog out for my own selfish needs. I'll sell my soul to the devil for two tickets to this Friday's (October 5th) Bruce Springsteen show at the Philadelphia Spectrum. Come on, help a sister out.

Meanwhile, a village in Texas is missing its idiot

2007-09-26T20:34:00.000-04:00

"Childrens do learn," Bush tells school kids
Wed Sep 26, 2007 1:46pm EDT

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Offering a grammar lesson guaranteed to make any English teacher cringe, President George W. Bush told a group of New York school kids on Wednesday: "Childrens do learn."

Bush made his latest grammatical slip-up at a made-for-TV event where he urged Congress to reauthorize the No Child Left Behind Act, the centerpiece of his education policy, as he touted a new national report card on improved test scores.

The event drew New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, Education Secretary Margaret Spellings plus teachers and about 20 fourth and fifth graders from P.S. 76.

During his first presidential campaign, Bush -- who promised to be the "education president" -- once asked: "Is our children learning?"

On Wednesday, Bush seemed to answer his own question with the same kind of grammatical twist.

"As yesterday's positive report card shows, childrens do learn when standards are high and results are measured," he said.

The White House opted to clean up Bush's diction in the official transcript.

Bush is no stranger to verbal gaffes. He often acknowledges he was no more than an average student in school and jokes about his habit of mangling the English language.

Just a day earlier, the White House inadvertently showed how it tries to prevent Bush from making even more slips of the tongue than he already does.

As Bush addressed the U.N. General Assembly on Tuesday, a marked-up draft of his speech briefly popped up on the U.N. Web site, complete with a phonetic pronunciation guide to get him past troublesome names of countries and world leaders.

Tuesday Ten #7

2007-09-24T20:13:00.000-04:00

My Ten Favorite Books...up til this point

The Prince of Tides by Pat Conroy

Charlotte's Web by E.B. White

A Wrinkle in Time by Madeline L'Engle

The Bourne Identity by Robert Ludlum

One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Papillion by Henri Charrière

Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior by Judith Martin

To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee

The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein

America, A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction by Jon Stewart

Happy Birthday Todd!

2007-09-24T10:28:00.001-04:00

OK, what is up with all these September birthdays? Enough already.

Todd, when you finally get around to finding yourself a new job, here is a video to help you with the interview process. I hope this helps.

I love my mom. I really do.

2007-09-21T15:03:00.000-04:00

And so I'm living with my mother again. I haven't mentioned it much because A. it's humiliating, and B. it's mortifying. My mother and I, like most mothers and daughters, have an interesting history. My parents divorced when I was 13, leaving me to live alone with her full time. My mother quickly established our new roles - she would revert to being a teenager, and I would be responsible for her daily happiness. In other words, complete role reversal. It was an excellent arrangement for her.

Not to say that I didn't get to be a teenager - I worked very hard to meet every underachieving teenage stereotype ever invented. My primary goal during my adolescent years was to get as far from her as humanly possible without ending up in juvi. I rebelled against our role reversals with every fiber of my being. It was no coincidence that I moved out the day after my 21st birthday. And then went on to travel around the world. Twice.

Don't get me wrong, I love my mom. I really do. In many ways she is my best friend. Perhaps we are just not meant to live together. We get along swimmingly when we have our own abodes. Living at home again seems to be bringing out my inner teenage rebel. I find myself trying to sneak out without her knowing. I tiptoe around the apartment so she can't hear what I'm up to. I close the door to my room even when I'm just sitting around watching my goldfish troll for food.

At first I felt guilty for doing this, but then I realized why I was behaving in this manner. My mother was, and still is, the ultimate master in getting others to do things for her. After 30 some years, I have come to dread the words "While you're up, do you think you could...." with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns.

"While you're up, do you think you could
- do my laundry. And make sure to separate the colors.
- bring me a blanket. No not that one, it doesn't match my socks.
- fetch me my slippers. No not those. They don't match my blanket.
- change the channel, no I don't like that show. Keep going. I don't like that either. Go on.
- get my book I'm reading, it's around here somewhere.
- give me a ride to this place. I don't know where it is. Where are your directions? And gas up the car while you're at it.
- carry this 100 pound thing around for a while so I can figure out where to put it.
- work out today's prime lending rate.
- find that thing, you know, that thing I was looking at yesterday.
- and my all time favorite: get me a glass of ice water. But not too much ice!"

You get the idea.

It's harder to get annoyed now that she is using a walker and is getting -
dare I say it - old. But being that this is how she's been since I could navigate stairs, it's now one of those old wounds that festers with age. It's hard to keep a smile on my face after so many years of indentured servitude. I try to be sweet when she interrupts my homework* so I can help her figure out the remote control yet again; or so I can search around the apartment for her glasses only to find that she is sitting on them; or so I can get her yet another glass of water; but it's not easy. I've fetched more water than an African village girl.

I'm hoping she will calm down soon. Perhaps she's just making up for lost time. It's been many years since she's had me here at her beck and call. I still remember her first words to me when I came home from Australia after two years. There she stood waving wildly at the bottom of the escalator at JFK - I had been traveling for 28 hours from Sydney - I had spent the better part of the last two years driving on the wrong side of the road - and her first words to me were, "Welcome back! Here's the keys to the car, thought you'd like to drive us home."

At least this place is beachfront.

*No, this isn't the teenage me talking, I have homework! I'm a grad student now, thank you very much.

Happy Birthday Sysm!

2007-09-20T09:05:00.000-04:00

I know it's your favorite.

Tuesday Ten #6

2007-09-18T09:25:00.000-04:00

Ten Reasons I am Doing the Happy Dance

I got a job!

Teaching first grade!

Which is the grade I've been teaching for the last two years!

So it's what I really wanted!

And it's in a really good school district!

Where there will actually be parental involvement!

And the dads aren't in prison!

And I may finally be able to get room moms!

And I'll be making more money than I did before!

Yay!

The Name Game

2007-09-17T13:27:00.000-04:00

I stole this from Todd. I have no excuse other than my mind is elsewhere these days. And I'm lazy. And I'm in a writing rut.

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet & current car)
Marigold Toyota

2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (fave ice cream flavor, favorite cookie)
Hazelnut Oreo (Yeah, not so tough)

3. YOUR “FLY Guy/Girl” NAME: (first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name)
B But (I'm using Butler as my last name here - for when I marry Gerard. Best to be prepared I always say. Plus it's a much funnier name this way.

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)
Red Dog

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
Alison Atlantic

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first)
But Br (See? Much funnier)

7. SUPERHERO NAME: (”The” + 2nd favorite color, favorite drink)
The Purple Margarita

8. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers)
Mark Eddie

9. STRIPPER NAME: ( the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy)
Tommy Bahama Snickers

10.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s & father’s middle names )
Joan Lewis

11. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME: (Your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter)
Surran Sydney

12. SPY NAME: (your favorite season/holiday, flower)
Autumn Rose - Todd and I are twinsies!

13. CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now + "ie" or "y")
Watermelon Flip Floppy

14. HIPPY NAME: (What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree)
Muffin Fig

15. YOUR ROCKSTAR TOUR NAME: (”The” + Your fave hobby/craft, fave weather element + “Tour”)
The Cooking Thunder Tour

Happy Birthday Ubermilf!

2007-09-16T12:52:00.001-04:00

Just Because

2007-09-12T20:57:00.001-04:00

It was my favorite song. On my favorite show. In my favorite scene. Ever.

Tuesday Ten #5

2007-09-11T11:34:00.000-04:00

Ten Things I Wanted for my Birthday but Didn't Get

A cake

A puppy

Pretty clothes

A naked man

Diamonds

Beachfront Property

A new car

A tree growing money

World Peace

A cigarette

I'm off to an interview. Wish me luck.

It's My Birthday!

2007-09-07T00:01:00.000-04:00

And this is post number 300!

An Open Letter to Mr. Craig

2007-09-05T20:10:00.000-04:00

I don't care if you are gay. I don't care if you want to have sex with anonymous men in bathrooms. In fact, I don't give a damn about your sexual orientation whatsoever. I know this may be hard to believe, but some people don't really care about the sexual preferences of strangers. Some people feel that what goes on behind closed doors between consenting adults is really nobody else's business. Some people believe that others shouldn't be persecuted for their sexual orientation, and that discrimination based on sexual preferences is abhorrent and despicable.

It's a shame, Mr. Craig, that those people aren't part of your political party. What's even more shameful is that you have been one of those people up until now.

How does it feel to be hated, vilified, attacked, and humiliated - all based on this new perception of you? Is it shocking to you that suddenly people are treating you differently because they see you as a homosexual? After all, you are the same person you were before that fateful day, aren't you? What is it like to be a walking-talking example of the shoe being on the other foot?

If you are gay, so be it. If you are straight, so be it. If you keep your job after all of this, good for you. But maybe next time you go to vote against basic protections for homosexuals, you will remember the discrimination that you yourself suffered, and perhaps you will choose to do the right thing.

Tuesday Ten #4

2007-09-04T10:48:00.000-04:00

Ten Movie Heroes I Would Have Sex With

Aragorn of Lord of the Rings - So what if he's dirty and hasn't bathed in months. And who cares if he's 88 in Middle Earth years. He's a king dammit. And a smokin' hot one at that.

Maximus Decimus Meridius of Gladiator - Tortured, wounded, a true lost puppy. Plus he's got that whole leader of his men thing going on, and he looks good in a skirt.

King Leonidas of 300 - Hello abs of steel! Who could resist having sex with the original Chippendale?

Han Solo of Star Wars - My very first bad boy crush. While all the other little girls were swooning over the wet-behind-the-ears Luke Skywalker, Han Solo was the one who truly saved my day.

James Bond of Casino Royale - No other Bond will do. The previous Bonds may be handsome and debonair, but I'll take the buff brute who comes out of the water looking sexier than Ursula Andress in Dr. No.

Captain Jack Sparrow of Pirates of the Caribbean- He makes Aragorn look freshly scrubbed and Richard Simmons seem masculine, but there is something about Jack Sparrow that makes you want to do bootyful things to him.

Bruce Wayne/Batman of Batman Begins - Yet another tortured soul, and a billionaire to boot. And he's got that rough gravelly voice. Of course he'd have to wear the suit - and bring the gadgets.

Hicks of Aliens/Reese of The Terminator- both characters were played by the same actor in James Cameron action movies - so essentially they are the same person. Both are soldiers. Both risk their lives for the girl while at the same time stepping back to let the girl kick some ass along with him. What's not to love?

Tyler Durden of Fight Club - Fine, he's a sociopathic freak. But he's a hero to other sociopathic freaks, so he counts. And everyone should get a little freaky at least once. Besides, he is ripped to shreds.

Neo of The Matrix - Just. Don't. Talk.

Finish It Meme

2007-08-31T00:06:00.000-04:00

I found this "Finish It Meme" on my new blog discovery- I Read Banned Books by Cajunvegan. Not only is she a fellow educator and football fan, but she loves red wine, sushi, and procrastination. It's like we were separated at birth. Please visit her blog.

On with the meme:

My ex is still: a dick.
I'm listening to: the soundtrack from The Mission.
Maybe I should: read a book instead of playing online.
I love: the feel of the sun on my skin.
My best friends: are smarter, prettier, cooler, and funnier than I am.
I don't understand: why Ryan Seacrest is allowed to live.
I lost respect for: republicans.
The meaning of my screen name is: the pomaceous fruit of the wild rose plant.
Love is: thicker than water.
Somewhere someone is: having sex on the beach.
I will always: wonder if my students will remember me.
Forever seems like: a really long time.
I never ever want to lose: my sense of humor.
Your mobile phone is: not to be dialed or answered while in heavy traffic.
When I wake up in the morning: I am grouchy.
I get annoyed at: shoobies.
Parties are: those things I never go to anymore.
My pet: peeves are bad drivers and bad grammar.
Kisses are: better than almost anything in the world.
Today I: had cramps.
I really want: to own my own home.
I live: on an island.
I work: in education.
I think: fairly often.
I smell: the ocean.
I listen: to old Bill Cosby albums when I am down.
I see: with the help of contact lenses or glasses.
I sing: really really poorly.
I can: play the flute.
I daydream: about buying the house I grew up in and restoring it to its former glory.
I fall: for accents and dimples.
I want: world peace. No seriously, I do.
I cry: at the drop of a hat.
I love: dark chocolate.
I sometimes: like to spend an entire day in bed with a book.
I fear: not living up to my potential.
I hope: I get the job that I interviewed for yesterday.
I eat: cake!
I drink: gin and tonics with extra lime.
I miss: being in love.
I forgive: Viggo for never calling me.
I drive: a nine year old car that I plan on keeping for another nine years.
I dream: of Jeannie used to be the ringtone on my cell phone.
I kiss: on the first date.
I hug: my students constantly.
I have: a tattoo on my ass.
I remember: the dress I wore to the first day of kindergarten.
I don't: have much tolerance for bullshit.
I believe: that everything happens for a reason.
I know: how to ask where the bathroom is in five different languages.
I hate: when people complain that they are bored.

Tuesday Ten #3

2007-08-28T00:00:00.000-04:00

Ten of My Favorite Quotes

I would rather sit on a pumpkin and have it all to myself, than be crowded on a velvet cushion. -Henry David Thoreau

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. -Homer (Simpson)

History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it. -Winston Churchill

Needs should definitely be met, as long as it doesn't require ointments the next day. -Xander Harris

Why slap them on the wrist with feather when you can belt them over the head with a sledgehammer. -Katherine Hepburn

No man is totally useless, he can always serve as a bad example. -Apocrypha

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. -Mark Twain

Life itself is the proper binge. -Julia Child

I don't believe in accidents. There are only encounters in history. There are no accidents. -Pablo Picasso

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. -Unknown 7 year old

Intellectual Property

2007-08-26T19:56:00.000-04:00

So it seems my Brooke Bond concept is not mine alone. An anonymous reader of my blog sent me this video of Gerard Butler on the Craig Ferguson show discussing my international ~~superslut~~ superspy idea together*! Apparently they didn't know about me, or clearly I would have been mentioned. An oversight on their part, no doubt.

OK, actually this show was from a couple of years ago, so technically they came up with it first. But since I didn't know about his until recently, whose intellectual property is it**? I say mine, being that I have the name and Butler didn't get the Bond gig. I'll have to call my agent to deal with this.

*The Bond talk is at the end of the video, but the two of them are quite entertaining together, so if you have the time, watch the whole thing.
**Actually I couldn't care less. I can't even tell you how hot it was to hear Butler say my name.

Return of the Fire Drill

2007-08-24T13:28:00.000-04:00

This was originally posted two years ago. Why am I reposting it? Because it is happening again at this very moment. Please, allow me to share my pain.

Spine-chilling ear-piercing siren, Spine-chilling ear-piercing siren, Spine-chilling ear-piercing siren

"ATTENTION, ATTENTION, ATTENTION, AN EMERGENCY HAS BEEN REPORTED, ALL OCCUPANTS WALK TO THE NEAREST STAIRWAY EXIT AND WALK DOWN TO YOUR ASSIGNED RE-ENTRY FLOOR OR MAIN LOBBY.
DO NOT USE THE ELEVATORS.
WALK TO THE NEAREST STAIRWAY.
DO NOT USE THE ELEVATORS.
WALK TO THE NEAREST STAIRWAY."

Spine-chilling ear-piercing siren, Spine-chilling ear-piercing siren, Spine-chilling ear-piercing siren

repeat chorus

This has been going on for the last half an hour, piped in through the sound system at a decibel level equivalent to an air raid warning. It would be an excellent torture device for the criminally insane. I know this is true as I am on the verge of a homicidal rampage.

And even though it was announced 112 times that this was just a drill and not to leave your apartment, I guarantee several of mom's neighbors are downstairs asking where the fire is. No doubt they took the elevator.

Originally posted: June 20th, 2005

Tuesday Ten #2

2007-08-21T12:02:00.000-04:00

Ten Reasons I Will Not Get a Cat

1-10. I'm a single schoolteacher living at home with my mother.

Cable Lineup July/August

2007-08-18T13:52:00.000-04:00

Recent search words and phrases that landed unwitting freaks to my blog/cable network.

Playboy

bullet tits
big bums
titless fat ass
guy's nutsack
live flasher
ogle tits stars
stages of undress
titless blog
slutty stories
there are two ropes? flash

E! Entertainment News

john candy look-alikes
jesse mccartney look-alikes
kate and kelly look alike
scarlett big butt
big ass scarlett
Gerard butler july 2007
gerard butler
gerard buttler
gerard butler paparazzi photos
gerard butler penis blogspot
gerard butler secretly married
i bagged gerard butler
gerard butler brazilian
is gerard butler gay
blogs on gerard butler's penis
gerard butler in love with brooke - ok fine, I made that one up.

The Food Network

coffee and cigarettes for breakfast
smoking basil leaves
coffee shop flash boobs
picture of wild rose hip
wild rosehip
ynh yummy
brooke bond 3 roses
babbling brooke store
vegemite in fridge

Lifetime

living alone sucks
how to get your husband in a maid's outfit
why can't you flirt with someone else's husband
loyal sociopath
how to make my hips look bigger
cinderella long stories
random questions to ask a boy you like
places to be kissed
recreational lesbian - New!

CNN

Why MCI went bankrupt
teacher shitty salary
illegal to flip off off duty cop
lil obama
is sociopathy a bad thing?
nancy pelosi's boobs

Sci-Fi - New!

...and no your back from outer space
plan 9 stayed chucky dolls - my personal favorite

Tuesday Ten #1

2007-08-14T10:18:00.000-04:00

I recently saw this blog that hosts a weekly meme called the Thursday Thirteen. Each week people create a list of thirteen things of any topic they can think of, and then they all tell each other about them and read each other's lists. It's all very organized and social. I like the idea very much, but I don't want to do it. For one thing, I'm very superstitious, and 13 is an unlucky number*. For another, I'm usually kind of busy on Thursdays**. But most importantly, I just can't ever seem to make myself follow the crowd. I have an innate predilection to defy the norm. To fight the power. To march to the beat of my own drummer. I'm a loner, Dottie. A rebel.

But I do love the idea of making lists. I'm a Virgo, we are natural born list makers. It suits our anal retentive sensibilities. And so I have decided that every Tuesday I will make my own list of ten things. I will call it the Tuesday Ten - for obvious reasons. See how I did that? I picked a day that I'm not nearly as busy. Then I whittled down the list to only ten, a nice round even number that still allows for a nice alliteration. And I'm doing it all by myself with no judgments from the establishment. I am a clever girl.

Since I already exposed my silly superstitious nature, my first Tuesday Ten will be my about that topic.

My Top Ten Superstitions

I'm afraid to point out fortunate things - or ways I've been lucky - about myself, as this can bring on the evil eye. For example, I won't ever say something like, "I can't believe I've never fallen off the top of a mountain and broken every bone in my body," or "Thank goodness I haven't gotten that flesh eating disease that everyone else has," or "Boy am I lucky that Viggo is so warm for my form***." These are the kinds of statements that invite the evil eye to come a knockin'. If I do inadvertently blurt out something stupid like this, I immediately shout, "Kin ahora kin ahora, pooh pooh pooh!" which is basically a Yiddish expression meaning "No evil eye here! Knock on wood!" Well, actually the kin ahora part wards off the evil eye. I add the pooh pooh pooh part. It's my verbal knock on wood.

I also won't say anything that could bring on any type of bad karma to myself or the people around me, nor will I allow others do so. For instance, recently a friend was commenting that I could still get hired before the school year because some teacher could possibly fall off a mountain and break every bone in her body, or maybe could contract some sort of flesh eating disease. Despite the fact that I am desperate for a teaching position, I do not want it to be based on the misfortune of someone else - that's bad karma. Unless that person got what was coming to them for having their own bad karma. Like for being mean to the elderly. Or mistreating small animals. Or voting republican. That's different. Kin ahoras cover that no problem.

Besides my verbal knocks on wood, I'm a big believer in the physical knock on wood as well. What's important to note here is that I don't just knock three times after making a seemingly innocent comment that could potentially cause the end of the world as we know it. I knock the entire time I'm making the statement. This allows me to speak freely while warding off the evil eye. It's a little known fact that the evil eye can't hear anything over the sounds of rhythmic knocking.

On the first day of each month, the first thing I say upon waking up is "Rabbit rabbit rabbit." It's meant to bring good luck. Some people say "Bunny bunny bunny." I used to say that, but now that I'm a grown up it sounds silly.

I'm very superstitious about New Year's Day. Anything that can be gotten rid of to make a fresh start for the new year must be done. My house has to be spotless. All trash must be removed. The fridge and cupboards must be stocked. All bills must be paid and filed. I even clear off all the ~~dirty pictures~~ junk files on my computer. Everything must be in its place. It's one big beautiful freak show of a clean slate. I'm all aflutter just thinking about it.

I won't ever sit in a wheelchair. My mom has one here since she broke her hip, and the other day my brother sat in it and started rolling around. I screamed, "Get out of the chair get out get out get out that's bad luck!!!" I almost set off his defibrillator, which proves that it is indeed bad luck to sit in a wheelchair.
Purse on the floor - you will be poor. I never put my handbag on the ground. Apparently the money oozes out the bottom and hides in the floorboards. I must have put many handbags on the floor in a previous life to be as economically challenged as I am today.

I never put shoes on the bed or a table. I don't know why. This might just be a neat freak thing, but I have heard it's bad luck. Shoes on the table - bad. Shoes on the floor - good. Purse on the floor - bad. Purse on the table - good. I hope you are all taking notes.

I will only pick up found pennies that are heads up. They say you are supposed to turn a tails-up penny to heads-up to bring good luck to the next person, but I'm not falling for that one. If that tails-up penny is bad luck, I'm not touching it. You can't fool me three times.

I never light three cigarettes on the same match - that's very bad luck. Smoking three cigarettes at once is really disgusting anyway.

So that is the first edition of the Tuesday Ten. Feel free to come up with your own list. If you do, let me know in the comments section. You can be a follower and do the same topic that I chose, or you can be a rebel and come up with your own - which I can then steal for next week's installment.

*The number 13 is only acceptable when referring to a baker's dozen. An extra doughnut is always a good thing.
**Thursday is laundry day.
***Shut up.