Tuesday, February 26, 2008

American Idol Wrap-Up

Ryan: Hello and welcome to American Idol! Look at me! Don't you think I'm fabulous? Fuck I am fabulous. Actually, I'm a no-talent fuckwit who is obviously blowing someone very important to have gotten as far as I have in Hollywood. But we'll get back to me later. Next we are going to have a singer come out and...sing.

Singer: tortures and mutilates a song while looking longingly into the camera

Audience: claps and screams wildly

Randy: alright alright alright alright. Listen man, listen up, listen to me, listen. Dawg know what I'm sayin. Dawg that was good man. Really really good. I mean, you missed some notes in the beginning and the middle was shaky and the end you sort of lost your way. But that was really good man. I'm diggin it. I can feel it. Dawg.

Audience: claps and screams wildly

Singer: Thanks man. Oh man! I feel great! That was awesome!

Ryan: Shut up dude. I didn't say you could speak yet. Paula?

Paula: You're so authentic. And so ...you. You hit notes that I didn't even know existed. The song was like...a song. It was just...I don't know what to say. I ...I ...I....I'm just confused by all the drugs. Help me.

Audience: claps and screams wildly

Singer: Oh my God! Thank you so much!

Ryan: And now we come to Simon. And we know what an asshole he is. But then again, it takes one to know one.

Simon: That was the worst piece of shit I have ever heard. Randy and Paula must be doing the same drugs. Your voice sucks. Your song choice was for shit. You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.

Audience: boos and screams wildly

Simon: Fuck you all. I'm the only one with a clue up here. Now someone get me a tighter black tee shirt please. This one is wrinkling.

Ryan: Simon is such a dick, isn't he America? Come on everyone, isn't this fun? I can be mean to Simon and you'll all cheer cause God knows it's unacceptable to actually have an opinion in this day and age. Now love me and hate him! Love me love me love me!

Simon: rolls eyes and then asks Paula what Ryan just said

Paula: Huh?

Randy: Dawg, you don't know! I'm in da house! Dawg!

Ryan to Singer: So they all thought you sucked. How do you feel?

Singer: Simon sucks!

Ryan: I know, right?!?!

Simon: Hey now, you are talking to the man who discovered Il Divo!

Ryan to Singer: So really, they all think you sucked. You must feel like shit right now. How are you going to go on from here?

Singer: Paula loved me.

Paula: Huh?

Ryan: I want to know just how horrible you feel. Really let us know how awful you feel. You're like, a total loser on national television.

Simon: Can we please move on.

Singer: Simon sucks!

Ryan: Thanks to our judges Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul! (hahahaha I don't say Simon's name! Aren't I sooooo funny!!!) I have to go find an executive's dick to suck. See you next week! Love me love me love me!


Editor's Note to the judges: The song "A Song For You" was originally written and performed by the great Leon Russell. It is not a Donnie Hathaway song. Donnie Hathaway covered it. You are supposed to be in the music business. Get a fucking clue.

Monday, February 04, 2008