Saturday, February 18, 2006

Be Back Soon













**Quick update 3/1/06**

There we were - mom in her little backless gown waiting on the surgeons in the pre-op area - me reading Oprah magazine in my flip flops - when I asked the nurse if the surgery was still on schedule for 1:00.

She said, "Oh the surgeon is way behind - you wont be going in until at least 4:30."

Fuck.

Apparently, he hadn't even finished his first surgery yet - and this was at noon. Mom was to be his third for the day. I turned to mom and commented how uncomfortable I was with the idea of her being his third surgery for the day when it was obviously going to be very late...he'd be tired...yadda yadda yadda.

Half hour later the nurse manager comes in to apologize for the doctor being so far behind.

And tells us to come back next Wednesday.

Yes, you read that right.

Anyone got a Valium? Or 12? Fuck me.

Thanks for all the good wishes and kind thoughts. I love you all. It has truly meant a lot to me. I'll be back when this is all over.

Friday, February 17, 2006

What if this is as good as it gets?

Six years ago I moved to Florida to start a new life. I thought I would come here and start a new career, meet someone special, and live happily ever after. It hasn't worked out that way.

Six months after I moved here my mother needed heart surgery. She was here in Florida when she started having pains and was rushed to the hospital. The doctors not only said she needed emergency surgery, but that she had to be brought to yet another hospital to get this surgery. I remember driving down 95 following the ambulance that was she was being transported in. I remember standing in the hallway outside ICU and just crumpling to the floor after they wheeled her by. I remember thinking that she was going to die. That same day my brother called from Jersey. My father - who had been put into a home for the elderly several months before (my parents divorced when I was 12) - had "fallen" out of his bed and broken his hip. He was in the ICU in Atlantic City, and things did not look good. My mother made it through surgery and was fine. My father passed away while my mother was recovering in the ICU. It fell to me to write his obituary, to arrange his funeral, and to work out where everyone was going to stay when we flew up for the service. It was not a good time in my life.

The next year, my stepfather - who financially and emotionally supported me in my effort to go back to college and get my education degree - was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. He was given six months to live. With healthy living and lots of love, he lived over a year. My mother relied heavily on me for emotional support throughout his ordeal, and I was always there for the both of them. He passed away before I finished college. He didn't get to see me graduate.

Because I'm the only daughter, and I'm still single, much of the responsibility falls on me when it comes to my mother. When I am in Jersey, or she is here in Florida - I pretty much do everything. I do the shopping, run the errands, take care of the bills. We are very close, and it makes me happy to be there for her. She is in her mid-70's, and it's harder for her to do the everyday things she used to do. I dealt with selling her place in Florida, putting her place together again in Jersey, dealing with her knee replacement surgery last year. And now it seems she needs to have back surgery next month.

I honestly don't know how much more I can take. I am completely wiped out. I just want to crawl into bed for days and hide. For the last six years it's been all about my mother, my stepfather, my father. My brothers' lives have gone on without a hitch, they have had children and gotten new jobs and bought new homes. But my life just seems to sit stagnant while I deal with one family crisis after another. I have barely been able to begin a relationship since I moved here because my time is never about me. The few relationships I have had have fallen by the wayside due to lack of time and energy. People ask me why I'm not involved with someone. Well now you know. Because I'm too fucking exhausted to sustain a relationship - plus the fact that I'm totally fucked up.

Getting the news this week about her upcoming surgery just broke me. I don't know if I can handle yet another health scare with her. I can't stand the idea of spending every day in the hospital again. I can't stand the idea that she may not make it through surgery. I can't stand the idea that when she makes it through, my whole life will be on hold again to look after her. And I can't stand the idea that I'll be going through all this alone - yet again - without a significant other to rely on for support.

Even if my brothers do pitch in more, she still looks to me as her main source of comfort and aid. And I just don't know if I have it in me right now. I'm a fucking mess. I've told no one about this because I feel like such a piece of shit for even thinking these things. But really, when is it going to be about me? Will I ever get that happily ever after? Or am I just meant to look after others and be there for everyone else? Is this my life? And if it is...what do I have to look forward to? What if this is as good as it gets?

I'm so tired.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Word Cloud













Make your own word cloud. Thanks once again to SG!

*The tiny words you can't see are (in alphabetical order): beach, bed, boyfriend, complete (?), computer, fun, funny, hate, missed, modigli, neil, pants, pet, profile, shit, shy, travel, viggo, and wrong. I can't believe twat wasn't on there!

Sunday, February 12, 2006

It All Makes Sense Now

You Don't Have a Boyfriend Because You Are Too Shy
When a guy gets to know you, he finds a great catch.
Problem is... you're too shy for most guys to get to know.
From meeting someone to dating, you usually have your guard up.
And while you're just holding back, it makes you seem like you've got something to hide.
And here I thought it was because I am a huge pain in the ass.

Why Don't You Have a Boyfriend?

Friday, February 10, 2006

Love Danny

The following is a series of emails I received from fellow blogger Danny of Danny Don't Go. Young, handsome, and greatly desired by men and women alike, Danny is a white hot talent in the world of poetry.
Danny enjoys long walks on the beach, playing with his children, and spending quality time with Dora the Explorer. Be sure to check out his poetry blog.

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I'm super freaky
It's so fucking true
And in time you'll love me
And I'll love you

I have a dick
And hair in strange places
I'm not a prick
If I want to cover all the bases

One day soon
I'll write a book
And you will swoon
When you see the title is "I love Brooke"

I'm gay.

**Danny is not gay. No doubt disappointing to many.

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It's not all that long
But it's not short either
I'll show you my shlong
If you show me your beaver

I'm hard to resist
With my poems and whatnot
Don't ask if I really exist
You know that, and I'm hot

So teach me oh dear one
Show me the ways
We'll have so much fun
Throwing things at the gays

** Danny and I both have gay siblings and are friends to all people - be they gay, bi, or hetero. Do not send hate mail. If you do, we will post it on our blogs and encourage others to laugh and point.

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If you post this
Please beware
That I'll get pissed
And steal your underwear

Then you'll go comando
And shit will get breezy
I'll be Marlon Brando
If you'll join The Family

**I don't get this part, but I didn't want to seem like a square so I didn't ask him what it meant. I mean, I've seen The Godfather a hundred times, so I get the reference. But I'm not sure what it has to do with loving me while I have no panties on. It should also be noted that Danny spelled Marlon with an "i", but I couldn't handle having a typo like that on my blog.

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Thank you Danny! I will treasure your poems forever! Or at least until the next guy sends me some quality blogworthy stuff.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

I can see you....

A little voice inside my head said,
"Don't look back. You can never look back."
I thought I knew what love was
What did I know?
Those days are gone forever
I should just let them go but......

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Sofa King Tired

Last night, between the hours of 1:00-2:00 am, two beer-swilling-belly-scratching-fuck-witted yabos in their little redneck putt-putt shitboat were trolling up and down the canal outside my window. Their mission - to scream unintelligible nonsense and blast Seals and Crofts at ear-piercing decibels. Yes, Seals and Crofts. Who the fuck listens to that shit anymore? And where was my Marine Policeman when I really needed him?

See, this is why I am for gun control. If I had had a gun, as is my right as an American citizen, those dipshits would be at the bottom of the canal right now, and I'd be desperately trying to avoid relations with Sweaty Betty in the Broward County Jail. Better to be tired and cranky and taking it out on our future generation.

It's only 7:30 and I need a nap. It's going to be a long day - and I'm already late for work.

Monday, February 06, 2006

I'm Driving in My Car

A typical drive home for me - complete with thoughts (black), ranting (red), and singing (blue). No need to worry for my safety, windows stay closed so nobody can hear my horrendous singing or my ferocious potty mouth. If you are offended by bad words, then please move on. Thank you.

it's only monday and you're already fried.....little fuckers can't be good for just one day...what the fuck...frigging parents should be neutered...stop bitching...you're going to miss them like crazy when you move...shut up..don't think about that now...oh very nice...drive much bitch...love the way you used that turn signal...no no no...i didn't need to know you were turning...i'm psychic...stupid twat.......oooooh...good song.... i hate everything about you...why do i love you....you hate everything about me....why do you love me....... check the cell phone...see if he called...dumbass..he didn't call..he's not going to call...get over it...move on already...fuck....just check it already while you're at the light....what is that smell...asshole in the next car blowing his cigarettes smoke right in the car...nice....fuck i want one of those...i wonder if i smile.....oops...green light...move along dipshit.....ooooooooooh...look at that antique shop...i have to got to stop there one of these days.....jesus christ could this fuckhead go any fucking slower......accelerator is on the right asshole.....there ya go....good...it's ok to go over 25 in a 40 zone...really...it is....asswipe...when it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love ...you'll understand what I mean when I say there's no way we're gonna give up...and like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams....is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe....why am i so hungry...what did i have for lunch....soup...god i want some greasy fries...no ..bad...fries are bad and go right to your ass.... oh my god....fucktard just made a left turn from the right lane...where the fuck do these assholes learn to drive...oh i'm so sorry...you were busy on the phone and smoking a cigarette while you were driving...next time why don't you jerk your boyfriend off while you're at it...dumb fucking twat...i hate these florida drivers....how much longer before i move home....don't think about it...then you start thinking about packing and that is almost as bad as the idea of staying....packing blows...wonder how much it would cost to get them to pack for me... for god's sake doesn't anybody actually stop at a fucking stop sign...yes dickless...it's my right of way...i hate this damn street...almost there....so close...and here we go...another Q-tip in front of me...oh my god if you were going any slower you'd be going backwards...that antique in his wheelchair just passed us....ok....too many commercials...switch...uggghhh...Mariah Carey...the world's ugliest female impersonator...when are people going to realize she has a penis...oh....much better...and when we meet...which i'm sure we will ....all that was there..will be there still ....i'll let it pass ...and hold my tongue ...and you will think....that I've moved on ...ohhhh...is that a white truck coming towards me...no way...yep...it's him...the cop...yeah yeah...i'm smiling..i'm waving...i hear you beeping... hi!....could have at least tried to track me down .. jerk ...i can't wait to get in the tub... and i need to write a new blog post.....pizza....pizza sounds good....and a nap....that sounds good too....oooh...it's monday...24 is on...yay...

Oh I almost forgot....Calzone has no penis...pass it on...

Thanks Lushy

Your 2005 Song Is


Mr. Brightside by The Killers

"It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss"

Let's just say you're happy to be done with 2005!

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Unconscious Mutterings and Big Asses

I got this from Spinning Girl, and she in turn got it from its creator, Luna. *Play along. Just put the first thing that comes to mind. You can do it in the comments section or on your own blog. Have fun. Don't say I never gave you anthing. And go wash your hands please. Lord knows where they've been.
*This is not a meme.

1. Long distance::
2. Meant to be::
3. Here::
4. Endless::
5. Resentment::
6. Insipid::
7. Bunny::
8. Slogan::
9. Naked::
10. Sarcasm::

Don't
Look
At
Mine
Until
You
Think
Of
Your
Own
Answers

Now
You
Can
Look

1. Long distance:: romance
2. Meant to be:: not this time
3. Here:: today, gone tomorrow
4. Endless:: bullshit
5. Resentment:: screw you
6. Insipid:: love songs
7. Bunny:: fuck like a ..
8. Slogan:: more bang for your buck
9. Naked:: Sedaris
10. Sarcasm:: wasted on seven year olds

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I would like to thank Natalie Dee for once again creating the perfect drawing for me to share with my fellow bloggers. This one is for some of you in particular. I will not name names. They know who they are.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

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